The Lonestar Gal

So much for the Flu Shot!

2009-02-20T09:32:00.000-08:00

Don't think you are safe just because you were a good doobie and got your flu shot this year.
I am, miserably, on day EIGHT of sweats, jammies and kleenex! Finally went to the doctor the other day and was told that I have the flu AND bronchitis.
YAY.
Let the good times roll.

Sorry, Sorry, Sorry!

2009-02-03T07:54:00.000-08:00

Hey all,
So very sorry that it has been SO long since I posted. YES, I am still alive out here! I have lots to tell you, but, for now, suffice it to say that I have just been insanely busy for the past couple months, and have not made time to post.
Unfortunately, although we all would like to think we are, I just am NOT Wonder Woman, I would LOVE to look like her though! I promise to sit myself down after this week and catch up on all my favorite blogs, and post my own goings-on. Hopefully on Sunday. Things are nuts right through Saturday, but will hopefully start to slow down after that.
Until then, just know that I think of you all often, and wonder how you are all doing.
Be wonder women!
V

Wednesday Weirdness

2008-10-15T05:40:00.000-07:00

WW #25

1. If you could only eat one fruit for an entire year and that fruit would magically be in season and ripe that full year, which fruit would you choose and why?
I would have to say Cantaloupe. It has always been my favorite fruit.

2. What is something that makes you sad?
Seeing the sadness and wariness deep in the eyes of an abused child.

3. What would you do if you came home from an extended vacation and found that someone else was living in your house?
Freak out completely!

4. What US President, alive or otherwise, would you like to have dinner with?
hmm. Tough one. Probably Barack Obama.

5. What is your opinion on multitasking while driving? (Reading a book or work documents, changing clothes, fixing hair, applying make up, shaving your face, et cetera)
Ummm... Pull them over, kick their ass, then take away their right to drive!

6. Do you ever multitask while driving? If so, how often would you say you are guilty of it?
When I am driving, I am driving. Period the end. There are too many multi-tasking morons on the road trying to kill me for me to do anything other than pay complete attention.

7. Do you tend to be early, on time, fashionably late or LATE to work and work related events? Do you tend to be more or less punctual for non-work related events?
It makes me crazy to be late for anything. If I am going somewhere I have never been, I tend to arrive 15-30 minutes early to give myself time to find the place. Otherwise I have to be at least five minutes early, even if I just sit in my car and read until it is time to go in.

8. What is a quirk your significant other has that you would define as "cute"? If you have no SO, what is a quirk you find cute in a potential SO?
He will stop and shake his booty at me or lift a corner of his shirt just enough to expose a bit of belly as he is walking through the room in a silly sexy pose.

Tagged!

2008-10-14T18:24:00.000-07:00

So, I have been Tagged! Here goes:
Seven random/weird facts about me:
1} I can't stand to wear necklaces, they make me feel like I am being choked.
2} No matter how tired I am, I can't fall asleep at night if I have not read at least a few pages in a book.
3} I adore giving gifts but feel very weird receiving them.
4} I am always nice to the Jehovah's Witnesses that come to my door to pass out tracts. I smile and say thank you, then throw them away so that I don't hurt their feelings.
5} I never say no when kids come to my door selling things for school or clubs, even if I don't need or want anything, or am broke.
6} If I had the room, I would adopt every stray or abused dog I found. Including all the dogs at the Humane Society and the pound.
7} I think snakes are cool, and almost bought a python when I was a teen.

Okay, who to tag?

Undomesticated
Stepping over the Junk
Bad Dogs and Such
Hammer
Mo

hmmm.. sad, I can only think of five. Ok, if you read my blog, consider yourself TAGGED! Just drop me a comment and let me know so I can check it out!

YAY ME!!

2008-10-08T16:51:00.003-07:00

I got the job!!!
I am once again a contributing member of society! YAHOOOO!
So, I will be working with abused kids, abused women, single moms, etc... pretty much being a jack-of-all-trades.
Pretty cool, huh?
I start tomorrow morning, and since the training session is in a city about an hour and a half away, and I have to drive through downtown DFW during morning rush, I have to get up at the butt-crack of dawn in order to make it in time.
Anyway, I am very excited and can't wait to get started.
Thanks to all who crossed their fingers and prayed for me!
Maybe now I will have some good stuff to write about... working with kids, I am certain that zany things will happen daily.

Nothin'

2008-10-06T06:57:00.000-07:00

There is literally NOTHING blogworthy happening in my life. That is really sad.
W.H. has been sick with a nasty cold for several days, and I am working like hell to NOT catch it.
As you know, when I had a life and a career and left the house every day I had things and thoughts to write about.
At the moment, during this mind-numbing time when I never leave the house except to get groceries, have not yet found a job (thanks to the damn republican government for totally fucking up the economy) I rarely have anything worth sharing.
Although I do have one interesting thing to note... I emailed my resume and references to the rape crisis center, the domestic violence shelter and the child advocacy center here. Not only did no one respond with a job offer, but nobody even tried to recruit me as a volunteer! I think there are some volunteer recruiters out there that are REALLY not doing their jobs! I would have been all over that resume like white on rice trying to snatch up someone with my background and qualifications as a volunteer. oh well. Not everyone can be as awesome as me as a volunteer recruiter... **snicker**

Wrestling Season Begins...

2008-09-23T18:57:00.000-07:00

Well, its that time again boys and girls.
That time of year when several nights each week and every weekend are booked up for the next several months. When free time and sleeping in on a chilly Saturday morning are naught but a faint, wishful memory. When loading into the car at 4:30 in the morning to drive several hours to spend 8-10 hours sitting on hard bleachers waiting for that six minutes of excitement and hopefully, glory. Hour after hour spent in a hot, humid gymnasium filled to capacity with sweaty, smelly young men giving their all; coaches yelling in the corners, parents screaming from the stands, whistles blaring, buzzers buzzing and bleacher butt reigns supreme.

Yes. You know what I am talking about, don't you?

You've got it: High School Wrestling season.
My son is a wrestler.
I personally have been involved with High School wrestling for nearly 26 years, as my younger brothers were wrestlers in school, and now coach wrestling.
My sons both were wrestlers, and both began when they were about four years old.
I have spent a very large part of my life in wrestling rooms.
I love it. Every year I am excited for the start of the season. Every year I am sick to death of it by the end of the season.
I tend to adopt the guys on the team whose parents can't be bothered to attend meets. W.H. and I score matches, run the time clock, work the head table, run concessions, roll mats, clean up blood, stock the coaches hospitality room and feed the team.
In other words, we are involved.
I can't understand parents who don't get involved... why have kids if you are not going to be involved?
Anyway... for right now, I am excited for the start of the season. I can't wait for the whistle to blow on D's first match of the season. I think he is going to do really well this year.
I just pray for the safety of all our wrestlers... especially mine.

About Me

2008-09-22T06:40:00.000-07:00

Copied this meme from m's blog at Rumblings and Bumblings.
The Bold are true….

Appearance:
- I am 5′4 or shorter.
- I think I’m ugly.
- I have many scars.
- I tan easily.
- I wish my hair was a different color.
- I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
- I have a tattoo.
- I am self-conscious about my appearance.
- I have/I’ve had braces. honestly, I wish I had gotten them as a child, I REALLY need them!
- I wear glasses.
- I’d get/have gotten plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free, scar-free.
- I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
- I have had more than 2 piercings.
- I have had piercings in places besides my ears.
- I have freckles.

Family/Home Life:
- I’ve sworn at my parents.
- I’ve run away from home.
- I’ve been kicked out of the house.
- My biological parents are together.
- I have a sibling less than one year old.
- I want to have kids someday.
- I have children.
- I’ve lost a child.

Embarrassment:
- I’ve slipped out a “LOL” in a spoken conversation.
- Disney movies still make me cry.
- I’ve snorted while laughing.
- I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
- I’ve glued my hand to something.
- I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
- I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

Health:
- I was born with a disease/impairment.
- I’ve had stitches.
- I’ve broken a bone.
- I’ve had my tonsils removed.
- I’ve sat in a doctor’s office with a friend.
- I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
- I’ve had serious surgery.
- I’ve had chicken pox.

Traveling:
- I’ve driven over 200 miles in one day.
- I’ve been on a plane.
- I’ve been to Canada.
- I’ve been to Niagara Falls.
- I’ve been to Japan.
- I’ve been to Europe.
- I’ve been to Africa.

Experiences:
- I’ve been lost in my city.
- I’ve seen a shooting star.
- I’ve wished on a shooting star.
- I’ve seen a meteor shower.
- I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
- I’ve pushed all the buttons in a lift. I'm guessing that means elevator
- I’ve been to a casino.
- I’ve been skydiving.
- I’ve gone skinny dipping.
- I’ve played spin the bottle.
- I’ve crashed a car.
- I’ve been skiing.
- I’ve been in a play.
- I’ve met someone in person from the Internet.
- I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
- I’ve seen the Northern Lights.
- I’ve sat on a roof top at night.
- I’ve played chicken.
- I’ve seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
- I’ve eaten Sushi.
- I’ve been snowboarding.

Relationships:
- I’m single.
- I’m in a relationship.
- I’m available.
- I’m engaged
- I’m married.
- I’ve gone on a blind date.
- I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
- I have a fear of abandonment.
- I’ve been divorced.
- I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
- I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
- I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
- I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality:
- I’ve had a crush on someone of the same gender.
- I’ve kissed a member of the same gender.
- I’ve had sex with someone of the opposite gender.
- I’ve had sex with someone of the same gender.
- I’ve had sex with more than one person at the same time.
- I am a cuddler.
- I’ve been kissed in the rain.
- I’ve had sex outdoors.
- I’ve hugged a stranger.
- I have kissed a stranger.
- I have had sex with a stranger.

Honesty/Crime:
- I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
- I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
- I have lied to my parents about where I am.
- I am keeping a secret from the world.
- I’ve cheated while playing a game.
- I’ve cheated on a test.
- I’ve driven through a red light
- I’ve witnessed a crime.
- I’ve been in a fist fight.
- I’ve been arrested.
- I’ve shoplifted.

Drugs/Alcohol:
- I’ve consumed alcohol.
- I smoke cigarettes. - Quit smoking July 6th - Yay me!
- I smoke pot.
- I regularly drink.
- I’ve taken painkillers when I didn’t need them.
- I’ve taken cough medicine when i wasn’t sick.
- I’ve done hard drugs.
- I’ve been addicted to an illegal substance.
- I can’t swallow pills.
- I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.

Mental health:
- I have been diagnosed with depression.
- I shut others out when I’m depressed.
- I take anti-depressants.
- I have had an eating disorder.
- I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
- I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
- I’m addicted to self harm.
- I’ve woken up crying.

Death:
- I’m afraid of dying.
- I hate funerals.
- I’ve seen someone dying.
- I have attempted suicide. - well, thought about it at least!
- Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
- Someone close to me has committed suicide.

Random:
- I can sing well.
- I’ve stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
- I open up to others too easily.
- I watch the news.
- I don’t kill bugs.
- I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for sake of being able to rhyme.
- I swear regularly.
- I am a morning person.
- I paid for my mobile phone ring tone.
- I’m a snob about grammar.
- I am a sports fanatic.
- I play with my hair.
- I have/had “x”s in my screen name.
- I love being neat.
- I love Spam.
- I’ve copied more than 30 CD’s in a day.
- I bake well.
- I don’t know how to shoot a gun. -but I intend to learn!
- I am in love with love.
- I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
- I laugh at my own jokes.
- I eat fast food weekly.
- I believe in ghosts.
- I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
- I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
- I am really ticklish.
- I love white chocolate.
- I bite my nails.
- I play video games.
- I’m good at remembering faces.
- I’m good at remembering names.
- I’m good at remembering dates.
- I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
- My answers are totally honest…okay, so wtf is the point if they're not...

A Day in the Life... of an Incest Survivor

2008-09-15T18:13:00.000-07:00

So, what does it mean to be an incest survivor? SURVIVAL.

I survived. I am a survivor. That's what I do...whatever life throws at me, I survive.

I did whatever I had to do each and every day to survive that day, to live to see the next day. No matter how degrading, abhorrent, or painful...I did what I had to to survive. I am proud of that. I was strong, and I survived. I am also ashamed of some of the things I did to survive. Ashamed, deeply ashamed of what was done to me, of the loss of myself as a person, of the loss of my voice.

But, now I am beyond those days. I am over it. Right?
Am I?
Will I ever be?

To this day, even married to a wonderful, loving, caring, understanding man, whom I love dearly and deeply, I have a very hard time with intimacy. Emotional intimacy, physical intimacy... It doesn't matter.
I prefer to be alone.
Alone is safe. Alone is peaceful.

I guess, after so many years of having to worry about and cater to my fathers "needs', that I just could really care less about spending the rest of my life worrying about anyone else s needs. For example; I could very happily live the rest of my life without sex. Truly. I might masturbate on rare occasions to relieve stress or pressure or whatever, but, sex with a partner.. uh uh. Don't need it. Really pretty much don't want it. And feel VERY pressured to "perform" as it were when my husband is in the mood. Does he pressure me? NO. Not knowingly. The pressure is entirely my childhood haunting me. In other words, its all in my head.

Knowing and understanding that does not make it easier. Knowing that does not make me enjoy sex.

So, what's the answer? And, as long as I live feeling this way, am I truly a survivor?

I wonder if I will ever truly get over my childhood. Will I ever be capable of giving to my husband as he deserves? I wonder if I will get past it once and for all.
Which really and truly pisses me off beyond words. It happened. For a long time. It was terrible. But... IT'S OVER!! So, why the hell can't I get over it already? Why can't I suck it up and deal? Why can't I just relax and enjoy touching and being touched?

Why must I always fight and fight and fight this internal battle with myself whenever I feel that my husband wants sex? Weeks of putting him off, making excuses, hiding the real feeling of utter panic. Finally giving in when I get to the point that I feel completely pressured and frustrated with the need to give him what he needs. I feel resentful. Angry. Ashamed. Frustrated. Irritated. Why can't I get past this?
He does not deserve this.
He deserves someone so much better and healthier than I am.
I wish I were better.

Baaaaaaad Blogger!

2008-09-14T14:37:00.000-07:00

I have been a BAD blogger recently. I owe a great big apology to the five or six people who read my blog fairly regularly. So....

Can you forgive me???
My life has just been so damn BORING lately... I have logged in to write so many times over the past couple weeks, yet nothing comes to mind. I am suffering from the dreaded "Brain Blank" Syndrome. I look at the screen, and my brain goes blank. Very, very frustrating, I must say.

I spent today designing some new jewelry pieces... I am hoping to be able to sell my line through a couple small gift shops here near the metroplex. So, to that end, I am working to build my stock of custom, one of a kind designs up to a level that I can set an appointment with a retailer and get in there. Wish me luck!
Maybe I will post some pictures of some of my designs so that you can see what the heck I am talking about. Here ya go... a couple bracelet and earring sets:

I also design complete sets of necklace, bracelet, earrings and anklets... Just whatever pops into my brain when I sit down with my tools.
Above is a fun, funky earring design that I thought would be awesome for the 18-26 year old range, or older than that if the lady is not afraid to make a statement!
Below that is an amethyst glass and cloisonne bead bracelet and earrings set with goldtone accents, and an amber marchesite stone bracelet and earrings set with goldtone accents. Anyway, just wanted to let you see what I have been up to this weekend.
We really did not get hit too badly by Ike, thank God! But I pray for those folks down south of us that got slammed...Hope you are back on your feet very soon!

Sorry for lack of posts, my mother is visiting

2008-09-02T16:17:00.000-07:00

Yes friends and neighbors, big momma is here!
My mother is visiting from upstate NY, and I have not had much computer time since last week. She will be visiting through Saturday, so I will likely be fairly scarce until then.
Be safe, happy and healthy till we meet again!

TMI Tuesday on Wednesday!

2008-08-27T07:48:00.000-07:00

You find a fairy. With a wave of their wand they can change anything for you.

What is the one thing you would change about your body?

My weight. I need to drop the equivalent of an 8 or 9 year old child. I want my pre-childbearing figure back. Weight loss is difficult for me due to the rheumatoid arthritis, makes it very difficult and painful to work out.

What is the one personality trait you would change?

My temper... Little things make my fly off the handle, but I am calm with big things, so I guess it's not SO bad... but still.

What is the one thing about your job you would change?

Not HAVING one! SOMEBODY hire me for goodness sake! I am REALLY good at what I do, and am very hardworking, reliable, conscientious, organized and nice! What's a gal gotta do?!

What is the one thing about your home you would change?

I’d make the master bath bigger. I’d love a nice big bathtub and a separate stand up shower big enough for two. I’d basically just like more ROOM in there.

What is the one thing about your Significant Other you would change?

His hearing loss from his time in the Army. Gets frustrating having to repeat over and over. Otherwise, he is pretty much perfect for me!

Who is the one person you would poof out of your life and why?

My brother-in-law. For reasons I can't share here.

Who is the one person you would poof back in and why?

My friend Magdalena who just vanished. I will always miss her. I loved her like a sister and it hurt me deeply when she just disappeared from my life.

Yawn

2008-08-26T08:16:00.000-07:00

So, my life is amazingly boring at the moment. I am not yet working, and I don't know anyone here yet, so the sum total of every day involves housework and cooking, with an occasional bike ride or dog walk thrown in just to break up the monotony.
This would be why I have not posted anything recently, and have been pretty much slacking at my blog.
My brain is atrophying.
I can feel it.

I have not yet sunk to watching soap operas or the Lifetime Movie Network, however, so there is hope for me yet!

I am waiting to hear back from a job interview that went amazingly well at a job that fit my skill set like a custom made glove. Cross your fingers for me?

I love Texas, and especially love our new house, but If I don't get out of this house SOON, I am going to completely lose it. Total meltdown. I am already getting to be a crabby witch just from the lack of money earned, work completed, conversations had... etc...

AAARRRGGGHHHHH!

Poor Sportsmanship

2008-08-16T09:54:00.000-07:00

Did you see that?!? The Swedish wrestler just threw his bronze medal on the ground and stomped away! His coach, his team, and his mother should all line up and bitch-slap that boy!
My son threw his headgear once after he lost an important match.
Once.
I frog-marched that boy out of the gymnasium to the hallway and laid it on the line for him in clear black and white plain english.
Son, if you EVER pitch a fit like that again, it will be the LAST time you EVER step foot on a wrestling mat again. You lose a match, you shake hands with and congratulate your opponent on a good match, shake the coaches hand, leave the gym and then, when you are totally alone, you can be angry and upset. But, and hear me clearly, don't you EVER, EVER display your temper or upset in the gym again. It makes you look like a poor sport, makes your team look bad and reflects poorly on your momma. You really don't want to reflect poorly on your momma.
Poor sportsmanship really pisses me off, in case you were unclear.

Olympics 2008

2008-08-11T17:33:00.000-07:00

I LOVE the Olympics.
I love watching the best athletes in the world compete to determine the very best in the world.
But, I especially love that there are winners and losers.
In general, those that have the most talent, work and train the hardest and longest, and have the most heart and guts win. Those who don't, lose.
In our country today with its suburbs and soccer moms, apparently winners and losers have been done away with.
Let's not hurt little Johnny or Jane's feelings by telling them that the other team was better than them and they lost.
Let's not encourage them to work harder, train harder, and become resolute and focused... let's instead have them play a game with no purpose, no goal, no chance to become exceptional.
My sons began team sports at age four, when I could no longer keep them off a wrestling mat. They were both attending their uncles wrestling matches from newborn age. When my oldest son turned four, my brothers were coaching a pee-wee wrestling group, and talked me into allowing J to participate. I thought he was too young. But, finally, I gave in, and I must admit; it was the best thing I could have done for my son. So, D was allowed to do the same, and today wrestles Varsity at his high school.
Allowing him to participate, practice, learn, train and gain confidence were awesome to watch. It was hard to watch him lose a match. But, whenever he would lose, after the match he and I would talk together about what had happened during his match and what he could do next time to perhaps do better. Sometimes, he had to accept that the other wrestler was just simply better than him! Horrors!
I must be a terrible parent to allow my son to be faced with the fact that sometimes people will be better than him at something. That sometimes he will lose. The other guy will win.
And he will just have to suck it up and deal.
Wonder what would happen to the Olympics if there were no winners or losers? If the officials just stood all the athletes at the podium and said "you were all awesome! nobody won, nobody lost!"
blech.

Guns, Bullets & Teachers

2008-08-08T21:25:00.000-07:00

So, as I said in a way earlier post, now that I live in Texas, I intend to learn to handle weapons; most especially a handgun. So, W.H. (being all for my learning how to protect myself) looked around and found a gun range near our new home, and we went and checked it out tonight.
The range is only about 20 minutes away and I love it! No frills, no fuss... just a shack from which to rent lanes and weapons & buy ammo, and three sections of shooting lanes; handguns, rifles, and shotguns. I can't wait.
W.H. was Army, and rated "expert" in weapons, so he will be teaching me the basics. I fully intend to take the "Beginning Handguns" and "Concealed carry" safety classes eventually. For now, I just want to get to a point where I don't jump to the ceiling every time I hear a gun fire.
I will also be test firing several calibers of handguns to find out which one suits me best. On the recommendation of both W.H. and the range guy, I will be beginning with this:
A .380 caliber handgun. The guy handed me one to get a feel for this evening, and I liked how it felt in my hand... not too heavy, but not a lightweight either. Now I just have to see how it feels to fire.
Which I will be doing Tuesday evening! YAY!
Between me, W.H. and the range guy, we decided that since I am SO very gun-shy (watching your father try to blow mom's head off will do that every time!) It will be better for us to come to the range on a Tuesday evening when it is pretty much empty, and I can concentrate on learning gun safety, and not be reacting to so much gunfire.
I am really looking forward to it for several reasons.
Firstly, I need to overcome this irrational fear of guns. The GUN did not try to kill my mother. My FATHER tried to kill my mother, and a gun was simply the tool he used to make the attempt. Could have just as easily been a cast iron skillet.
Secondly, I really am concerned with the direction this country is taking. Neither candidate should be allowed to run a playground recess, much less our country. And when the big bad comes knocking on our country's door, I want to be able to defend my home and family.
And Thirdly, I want to be able to protect myself. I want to be able to walk from a store to my car without worrying about the rapist behind me. I want to do whatever I can to protect myself from the depravity of my fellow "humans".
But, I am not a fool. I also want to be safe FROM the tool I have selected to protect myself with. Therefore, I am becoming "grasshopper" and taking lessons from the master.

Books, Books, and more books!

2008-08-07T19:27:00.000-07:00

A gauntlet has been thrown down by "Biped Employing Opposoable Thumbs" http://auspiciousnovice.blogspot.com/.
I am waiting to see how this list was chosen, but please see below:
Not Particularly a "Worm"

Biped reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books printed.
1) Bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
4) Reprint this list in your own blog.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Ok, so I have not read nearly enough of the classics, but frankly, a lot of the classics are simply boring. And don't think that just because I have read a lot of the classics that I am a snob! LOL! Far from it... I just love to read.
As far as the meme instructions go, I am unable to underline anything, but I did love many of the ones I have read! Anyone else out there a reader?

Anybody want to buy a house in Ohio?

2008-08-05T20:35:00.000-07:00

For Sale:
Lovely four bedroom, 1.5 bath home with eat in kitchen, living room and family room. Many updates including newly remodeled family room with custom built-in floor to ceiling bookshelves and entertainment center wired for surround sound and designer paint!
Appliances include dishwasher, newer stove, refrigerator, dehumidifier in basement.
Great home set on one full acre property in the country! Many mature trees on property.
Call TC Wood Realty at 419-947-8015 to inquire about viewing the property located between the towns of Ashley and Cardington, Ohio. Cardington-Lincoln School District.
Go to www.tcwoodrealty.com to find listing # 2827944

It was a great house, in a great town, with a great school in a town with nice people. Now I just REALLY want to sell it!

My Life... Part 7...Living Terror

2008-08-01T20:39:00.000-07:00

I know I have not written anything in this series for a while now; things were getting pretty heavy there for a while and I needed to take a break from the memories.

After that first night, my father began fabricating reasons for us to be alone. He would send my mother to the store, making her take my brothers with her. He would need me to accompany him into the woods to gather deadfall and kindling, etc...

Always, the moment we were alone, my father would be touching me, or making me touch him. He taught me how to masturbate him to ejaculation, then the proper way to perform oral sex for the most enjoyment for him. He taught me a lot.

I also learned never to say no. Never. Bad things happened to my mom when I said no. Her bruises were my fault because I tried to say no, told him I did not want to have sex, did not want him to touch me.
I hated it; every moment... in my mind, I wanted to vomit. My body though, that was another story entirely. It liked it. He would touch me in ways that I somehow knew was wrong and bad, and yet, I would have an orgasm. I felt dirty, ashamed, and I wanted to die. I must be a terrible person because otherwise my body would not like the things he did to it.
The older I got, the worse things got. The more my body developed, the more he wanted to show it off to his buddies in the bar. He bought me skimpy tops, made me remove my bra, and took me into the bar for an afternoon. I spent probably a complete year of my life in bars over the years with my father. Hour after hour, day after day. Exposing my developing body to drunken, leering men.
There was no escape.

I'm Back!

2008-07-31T10:24:00.001-07:00

Ok, I am back, and will make a valiant effort to get back into the blogging daily habit! I have really missed this.

So, in the new house, which I LOVE, by the way, we have the floor replaced and the laundry machinery moved in finally... next is to finish the bathroom! Due to the extent of the flooding, we had to rip out the vanity, toilet, cupboard and floor completely. We are still working on getting all the sticky crap off the floor from where the old peel n' stick tile was left under the pergo floor!

I have a job interview set for Monday morning, YAY! Keep your fingers crossed for me! It is with a non-profit agency in Garland, and is considerably more money than I was able to earn in Ohio, so that would be lovely.

Let me know how things are for everyone out there... I promise to catch up on my reading as soon as possible!

Not a deserter, I promise!

2008-07-27T19:42:00.000-07:00

Hey all out there in the blogosphere... I know you think I have disappeared off the planet, but NO! I am here in fry an egg on the sidewalk hot Texas! But, alas, I am having issues with my pc. It maintains its cool for about five minutes, then overheats and shuts itself off.
So... Hopefully I can snag some time on W.H.'s pc tomorrow evening and create a real post and catch up on reading those that I hold dear.
Don't give up on me!
LG

If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have none at all!

2008-07-17T17:26:00.000-07:00

My family is cursed. Somewhere throughout history, my family did something so heinous as to require all members of future generations to have the worst luck possible. I AM a jinx. I even warned W.H. when we first started dating!
"I have to warn you that bad shit happens to me, and if you hook up with me, bad shit will happen to you too!" I was serious. I don't think he believed me...THEN. He believes me now.
Anyway, WHY am I sharing this with you now, you ask?
Monday we closed on our house. It had not funded yet (Texas closing rules are a bit strange, but you don't get the keys when you close, you have to wait until the funds have posted to get keys)
But, closing on a new house is a good luck thing, right?
But wait! There's more!
I drove out to the house to meet the seller so he could give me a set of keys that he had forgotten to take to closing, and decided to do a walk-thru of the house.
So, we went in and chatted a bit in the living room and the kitchen. Then seller left.
I walked into the master bedroom to check out the closet because I knew it was kind of small, and I wanted to figure out where to put things.
I stepped into the closet and.....
"splash"
HUH? What the hell??
I took another step.
"splish"
The entire carpet in the closet was SOAKED!
So I wandered around trying to figure things out and this is what I discovered:
The laundry hook-ups in the utility room were leaking and therefore the utility room, hallway, main bathroom and hall closet and part of the living room were all wet. Very wet.
SO.
Since the house had not funded yet, the leak and damage are all the responsibility of the seller to repair, which is a good thing because it is going to cost about $3,000!

As I said...
Shit happens to me. Wanna be my friend? HaHaHa

I've Been Tagged!

2008-07-16T13:56:00.000-07:00

Tagged

........by Elisa

Rules:

1. Link the person(s) who tagged you
2. Mention the rules on your blog
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours…
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them…
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

Okie-dokie, 6 quirky things about me........

I hate for my various foods to touch each other on my plate. Food just should not mingle unless it is gravy on something. Otherwise, no fraternizing food!
I cannot fall asleep at night unless I have read first. I can't just lay down and go to sleep; I have to read after I lay down, before I can fall asleep.
I have to have almost complete silence and darkness to sleep. Always have, and Cannot stand to sleep in a room with any light at all. Also, I sleep better if the room is cold.
I get really upset with my kids when they do stupid small things, but when they are REALLY in trouble, I stay calm. I don't really get it, but I keep my cool for the big things.
Spicy foods make my nose run, and some non-spicy foods as well. My family loves to tease me because Ketchup makes my nose run!
I sing like I'm a rockstar in the car, but would nevah evah sing in public. It sounds like cats fighting when I sing.

I tag: Hammer
Undomesticated
Stepping over the Junk
Bad Dogs n Such
I know I am supposed to tag 6, so if you are not on the list, please tag yourself for me, just leave me a comment and let me know... I have to run!

On Quitting Smoking

2008-07-12T05:43:00.000-07:00

I am a smoker. I admit it. Yes, I know, I am evil and must be destroyed...well, at least hidden away somewhere that my foulness cannot infect the environs of the pure and holy. (can you see my eyes rolling?) I promise to explain the eye-rolling sarcasm so as not to offend any of my non-smoking readers.

Anyway... I started smoking at age 11. YES! 11. My older brother T dared me to try one, he was 13 at the time. Of course, as the only girl, i had to be as tough as the guys or face torment and torture or getting the shit beat out of me... so, I tried it.

Took to it right off. Never coughed, choked, didn't turn green or get sick...just sucked in that sweet, sweet nicotine and felt the wonderful rush. I managed to steal cigarettes from my parents for more than four years before being caught. Dad smoked Pall Mall non-filters and paid less attention to how many he had in a pack, and since he was usually drunk, he was easy to snag from. Mom smoked Benson & Hedges 100's. Lady-like cigarettes.

Once I got to junior high school I could sneak off campus with my new friends (the burn-outs) who left campus every day to go smoke a couple blocks away. Then I would use my lunch money to buy a pack of Marlboro's. I quit hanging with that group when I realized that I was starting to be known as a "burn-out" too... and since they also smoked dope during lunch, that was a no-no to me. But, I kept on smoking.

Fast forward to today. I am now 40 years old and have smoked for one-third of my life. Because I am ADDICTED.
Yes friends and neighbors, I am a nicotine junkie.

I have tried many times and many ways over the years to quit.
I have tried the patch, the pill, the filter, the step-down cigarettes. Nothing has worked for the long term. My longest non-smoking time was two years.
Just know though, that the second I was told I was pregnant, I put the smokes down during my entire pregnancy, then smoked outside after the baby was born. Smoking was MY choice, not the baby's.

However, our story does have a semi-happy ending...
I am now in Day 7 with NO CIGARETTES!

Yes! Seven entire days with no smoking... and I have not killed anyone, either! Haven't even been particularly bitchy... and I owe it all to this stuff:
Stonewall Hard Snuff...comes in three flavors, Cappuccino, wintergreen and regular. Very yummy stuff, no yucky spitting or other chew-like habits, and lets you wean yourself off tobacco without bitchiness, murder or mayhem.
I absolutely recommend this stuff if you wanna keep the nicotine but get rid if yucky smokes.
I am actually only using it when the craving gets really really bad... because I want to get rid of the addiction as well as the smoking... but a friend uses them in place of cigarettes.

On a side note: Do'ya think I could have perhaps found a MORE stressful time in my life to quit smoking???

Anyway...I need another cup of coffee...

It's Hot

2008-07-06T09:57:00.001-07:00

The first thing anyone needs to know about Texas... It's daggone hot! and Humid! My poor anti-frizz shampoo doesn't stand a chance against the Texas humidity.
But,
Texas is lovely. The people in Texas, for the most part, are very nice, friendly and welcoming folk. I think we will be very happy here.
Oh... have I mentioned the bugs? Lots of bugs. LARGE bugs. When they say "everything's bigger in Texas"... they mean it. Even the bugs. Ick.
The trip down here was fairly uneventful...very long, but not bad since the dogs were tranqu'ed and slept much of the way.
Not sure W.H.'s kidneys will function well for some time after bouncing his way from Ohio to Texas in that big moving truck though. But, it's all good.
Guess that's all for now... talk to ya soon.

WE HAVE A HOUSE!!!

2008-07-04T13:59:00.000-07:00

YES, friends and neighbors! We put an offer on yet another house the day before yesterday, and it was accepted! WOOO HOOOO!!!! Booty Shake!
So, hopefully, within the next two weeks we will be moving into our new home in Northeast Texas!
Thanks for the welcome all! I really hope to get back to regular blogging very soon,
and promise to catch up with everyone in my own personal blogosphere as soon as possible!
Be well and happy 4th!
Have you hugged a soldier today?

We have arrived...homeless, but in Texas!

2008-07-02T15:17:00.000-07:00

Yes boys and girls, we have arrived in Texas!
We are currently homeless, staying with my in-laws for now, hopefully able to move into our own place within two weeks.
YES... two weeks.
Have I ever mentioned that the home buying process is a pain in the butt?
Anyway, I will post more about the trip later. For now, Just wanted to say "Hey Y'all" and hope everyone out there in the blogosphere is having a grand time.
Happy 4th everyone!
Make sure to thank a soldier on Friday!

Moving day

2008-06-25T17:36:00.000-07:00

Ok... so, I am surrounded by boxes, and must weave my way from one end of the house to another.
We pick up the moving truck tomorrow morning and begin loading up our lives, ready to face the new adventures awaiting us in sunny Texas.
Therefore, my computer will be broken down and packed up tomorrow.
We are spending the first night in Jackson, Tennessee, then pushing on to Dallas the next morning. I have doggie tranquilizers in my purse with which to drug the dogs into sleeping for a portion of both days. Unfortunately, the drugs only work for 4-5 hours, so the first part of the day will be peaceful, the last half a nightmare. (have i mentioned that my dogs DON'T travel well?)
I will try to post from the hotel the first night... but we will have to see how that goes.
In the meantime, everyone be awesome, be happy, be safe.
Look out Texas, Here I COME!! YEEEHAWWWW!
Y'all come back now, ya'hear?

Six days and counting!

2008-06-23T10:53:00.000-07:00

Yes folks, only six days to the big move to the great state of Texas!

Let's take a moment here to check the status of things regarding our transfer:
Our house is NOT sold yet. (A couple has expressed interest in assuming our mortgage though...keep your fingers crossed, pray, dance naked under the full moon... whatever you do, please do a lot of it!)
We have NOT closed on our house in Texas. (Damn Bureaucrats!)
I am NOT finished packing yet. (Procrastinators Unite!... Tomorrow)

AND.....I am sitting here posting on my blog instead of packing boxes.

The picture is just cuz' it tickled my funnybone.

I REALLY need to get busy...C'mon L.G., the moving truck arrives in THREE DAYS!
Nope... didn't work. Maybe later.
OK... here I go.
I'm movin' now.
Hoppin' too.
Really.

My Achin' Back!

2008-06-21T16:56:00.001-07:00

Today was filled with all kinds of fun, exciting things to do!
First, last night and this morning, Wonderful Hubby (hereafter to be known as W.H.) and I pretty much had to dismantle the entire top part of the engine of my car to get to the broken Tie-Rod and replace it. Then I had to change my brakes, cuz they began grinding like mad on Thursday. And, YES, I did the work... and I have the broken thumbnail to prove it!

My next project was to mow our one acre lawn. Just picture dust, grass flying everywhere, sunburn and sneezes violent enough to cause me to wet myself. Loads of fun.

Then, this afternoon my friend came over and we painted the last room in the house that needed painting before we move next weekend. I WAS planning to box up most of the kitchen today also, but W.H. forgot to pick up another roll of bubble wrap for me when he went to Menard's today.

Then at about 6:00 this evening D walks in as I was giving serious thought to dying, and his face was white as a sheet.
"Mom, a deer just hit my car. I was on my way home and after I made the turn onto our road, this big ass buck jumped out from the ditch and hit the side of my car. It's wrecked"
"Watch your mouth please, and are you okay?" I asked (must have priorities here!)
"Yea, I'm fine... pretty freaked out though. It wasn't there! Then BAM!" (Which, if you have ever hit a deer, is pretty much EXACTLY how it happens!)
So I went out to look over the damage to the 1987 Nissan 300Z (which W.H. still ~~drives~~ (drove) back and forth to work until we move, then D was going to own it) and sure enough, it is pretty messed up. Apparently, the deer hit the drivers side front quarter panel, bounced out, then hit just behind the drivers door and slid down to the back bumper. Essentially the entire drivers side is wrecked, including the mirror (which is gone completely) except for the door. SO.
That vehicle will NOT be making the trip to Texas with the family. It is on its way to the happy junkyard in the sky, and we will give sonny the money from that so that he can combine it with what he has in the bank and get himself another vehicle once we make the move. W.H. is on the road again. Only this time he is headed west to Illinois. He left about an hour ago to take his boys back to their moms house. Ahhhhh... peace and quiet. Bliss.
Tomorrow I plan to go pick up the bubble wrap I needed today, and also some lumber so that I can build a new front stoop for the house, since the one we have is made of brick and falling apart. We are down to having only ONE room left to finish... hopefully we can get the drywall up monday and tuesday. I will mud it as we go along, and then the new owners, whoever they eventually end up being can slap some paint on it.
I am SO over this house. I can't even tell you. Have you ever seen the movie with Tom Hanks and Shelly Long "The Money Pit"? Yeah.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend...I need to go find the Ben-Gay.

Sad

2008-06-20T12:17:00.000-07:00

Today is a sad day.
Today I became officially unemployed as I left my wonderful job in preparation for the move.
All my coworkers took me to a local Mexican restaurant for a lovely lunch, and went around the table each sharing something special about me that they appreciated.
According to them I am:
Very caring, dedicated, passionate, energetic, friendly, compassionate, devoted, assertive, a good listener, empathic, genuine, honest, organized, have a good sense of humor and a bizarre life that I share with amazing stories.

Then they handed me two bags of gifts; a book, a lovely CD, an absolutely gorgeous blown-glass ball with an adaptation of the "tree of life" in the center for our new home and a relaxation candle.
Each person had written a lovely message in the card. I felt so appreciated and loved.

I started at the crisis center as a volunteer Sexual Assault Response Advocate five years ago. A little under one year ago they hired me to recruit, train, and manage the volunteer program as well as spearhead the launch of the Stewards of Children child sexual abuse prevention program.

Now I need to break out my resume, dust it off, and hope like hell I can find another agency half as wonderful in Texas as the one I was part of here in Ohio.
I truly love these people I work(ed) with. I have made many lifelong friends, and I am sad to be leaving them.
I know that there are new adventures waiting for me in Texas... but for today... I am sad.

My First HNT

2008-06-19T14:41:00.000-07:00

Okay... I am taking the plunge. But, not really... Just dipping a finger in to test the water. Because of my past history, I tend NOT to reveal a lot of skin... so, bear with me as I start slowly here. Plus, taking my time and showing teeny tiny bits gives me more time to get closer to my weight goal! ;o)
So, anyway...there is also this meme that fairyflutters did today, and I thought I would add it to my post as well. That's below.

Raw “I”s

I am: Frustrated with trying to buy a house from 1200 miles away.

I think: that I am a great mom.

I know: that I am smart and capable of accomplishing anything I set my mind to.

I want: to finally make this move to Texas happen and get it over with.

I have: Rheumatoid Arthritis.

I wish: that I didn't have Rheumatoid Arthritis.

I hate: that I let myself get this much overweight.

I miss: holding my children when they were babies.

I fear: spiders. Big, small, hairy, nekkid, doesn't matter. If it has 8 legs... GROSS!

I feel: tired, stressed and a little lost knowing that I will be unemployed as of noon tomorrow.

I hear: the movie my step-son is watching.

I smell: my shampoo cuz' my hair is in my face.

I crave: a romantic weekend away with my husband.

I search: for a new job in Texas.

I wonder: if anyone knows that I am not as confident as I appear.

I regret: not going to college after high school.

I love: reading a good book.

I ache: for relief from the chaos that is my life at the moment.

I am not: happy to miss Thanksgiving with my family this year due to the move.

I believe: that I will lose weight this time!

I dance: rarely but slowly with my husband in our living room.

I sing: Alone in my car because it sounds like cats fighting when I sing.

I cry: rarely.

I don’t always: give myself credit for being a good person.

I fight: to end violence against women and children.

I write: because I love words.

I win: because this wonderful man loves me.

I lose: the ability to think straight when I get very angry.

I never: get enough sleep to feel rested.

I always: love my family.

I confuse: my stepchildren.

I listen: when a survivor talks and needs to be heard.

I can usually be found: reading or writing something.

I am scared: of spiders. Didn't I already make that clear? Sheesh! ;o)

I need: to finish packing up the house.

I am happy: when I am holding my husband's hand as we are walking along.

I imagine: the day when hubby and I have some time to ourselves.

Now it's YOUR turn... give it a try, it really makes you think.

This is SO Awesome!

2008-06-17T13:24:00.000-07:00

Today marks an amazing day in American history.
Finally, love is accepted in all it's many forms and members of the GLBT community are allowed the same rights as the rest of us Americans.
YAY!
Up yours GWB with your constitutional amendment!
In case you have no clue what the hell I am referring to... Today marks the first day that gay marriages are legally recognized in California.

Ok... I feel the glares and daggers being aimed at me already. C'mon people! I work in the Social Work field, what do you expect? ;o)

I personally have no problem with homosexuality. In my life and in my career, I have seen more vicious abuse and destruction on the part of "traditional" marriages than I can relate to you, and have seen more true kindness, caring, and love between gay partners than I have personally witnessed in any marriage save my own to my wonderful hubby.

I believe that Love, wherever it is found, whether in a traditional marriage or a gay marriage is something to be celebrated, especially in a world so filled with hate and violence.

Ok... I'm ready... let the snark begin should you feel it necessary to castigate me for my sinful and liberal ways.

Avoidance & Silence; That's the Easy Way

2008-06-17T04:25:00.000-07:00

Apparently, my previous post made some people uncomfortable, and I began to think yesterday that I really need to make an effort to not make people uncomfortable with my writings.

I have gotten so used to, and comfortable with, my childhood and the nightmare of it that it truly does not bother me (I speak publicly at seminars and trainings and public events) and I forget that it can be very uncomfortable for others when I suddenly just whip out a memory willy-nilly and throw it out there.

But, then I think...avoidance is what prolonged the torture.
Avoidance is what allowed my mother and several other adults in my young world to ignore the signs and allow the abuse to continue unchecked for more than ten years.

Silence (mine), the inability to use my voice, is what allowed the abuse to continue beyond the very first time he touched me in an evil way.

Avoidance and silence are what perpetuate the cycle.

I speak out knowing and understanding that I will make people uncomfortable. But it needs to happen. If we ever have a hope in hell of stopping this epidemic, survivors need to speak out. We can no longer bury our heads in the sand, pull the covers over our heads, or close our eyes and count to ten hoping that when we open our eyes again the boogeyman will be gone.

How can I remain silent when I know that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys WILL BE sexually abused before the age of 18? I can't. Not and be able to live with myself.
If, by my speaking out about what was done to me and the nightmare I have lived, I can save even ONE child, then I know I have done right.

When I teach the class called "Stewards of Children" (check here for more information: www.darkness2light.org) One of the first things I have participants do is fill in a worksheet with the names of four girls and six boys in their lives that are under the age of 18. Most of the time, they have no idea of the reason for this until about 15 minutes into the program. Then I see the shock and horror on their faces when they make the connection. That makes it personal.

No one is immune. Child sexual abuse crosses all boundaries; social, economic, race, religion. No one is immune.

So, I will continue to periodically relate the story of my life as an abused child. All I can hope for is that someone will read a post pertaining to that aspect of my life and it will send up a red flag in their minds. All I can hope for is that once that flag is waved, they will find their voice and refuse to succumb to Avoidance and Silence in order to protect that child.

That said; I apologize if some of my posts make you uncomfortable. I have no desire to hurt anyone. Nor do I wish to alienate the few regular readers that I have. (all four of you)
But, as long as I know that there are children living in fear and shame, I will continue to speak out in an effort to save them. I have to.
How can I not?

A Letter To My Father On Father's Day

2008-06-16T04:58:00.000-07:00

Neal,
Happy Father's Day dad.
How does it feel knowing that you will not get one single card today? Not one phone call? How does it feel to know that you were so drunk and vicious and horrid that not one of your five adult children gives a shit if you are alive or dead?

What you did to my four brothers and my mother was horrible enough. But what you did to me, your only daughter. There are not words in the English language to adequately describe what you did to me. But, finally, I need to try, and you need to know. So, if you have any balls at all you will read to the end. I doubt you will. You truly have never given a shit about anyone other than yourself. You ARE shit. You are pure evil, and you are the only person on the face of the planet that I truly wish I could kill. But, I can't. Because I am better than you. I am stronger than you. You are nothing, and not worth my time.

You are a vampire sucking the life from everyone around you. You are a taker. You took innocence from me. You took the joy of childhood from me. You took my world, my life, and made it this dark, ugly place of fear and terror and filth. You made me dirty. You made me want to die. You made it almost impossible for me to ever have a healthy, normal relationship with a man. But I am stronger than you, and I now have an amazing, wonderful life in spite of you.

I will not write about everything you did to me in this letter, but dear God, You AUCTIONED your 17 year old daughter off to a room full of drunks and were proud that you got a sick fuck to offer you a month's salary for one night with your DAUGHTER! Your child. The person you were supposed to protect. Then you came back and told me about it with pride in your voice. I wanted to vomit. Even today, so many years later, I want to vomit whenever I think of that night at the Norwich Fair. I guess I can be happy that at least you did not follow through and force me to allow myself to be raped by more drunks than you.

It has taken me 20 years to get to a point where I can consider myself healed of you. I will never be whole. You took too much from me for me to ever be whole again.

Are you proud? Do you look back on the years of my life with you when you taught me so much about true evil and have fond memories?

Do you sleep at night?

Do you enjoy spending Fathers Day knowing that there is not one person on the planet who will shed a tear at your passing?

Do you look forward to your eternity in Hell? I do. I know that nothing I can do here and now will ever touch you or make you feel bad for what you did. But, I can look forward to the day I get a call telling me that you have died, and I can know without shadow of doubt that you are where you belong. In Hell. Burning for eternity. Feeling the terror and shame of your victims.
I will do what I have to to attend your funeral. I will spit on your grave. I will spit on you.

I only hope that I can see you one more time before you finally free the world of your vileness. I will spit on you.

Happy Fathers Day Asshole.

500 Miles & a Creepy Truck Driver

2008-06-15T18:13:00.000-07:00

I drove 500 miles today, a trip I have made many, many times in the past eight years. I hate this trip.
When I left my ex-husband, I moved the boys and myself 500 miles away. He was mean to them, and it was escalating to what would very soon be violence.
I grew up abused, no way in hell was I going to allow that to happen to my kids.
So, I packed them up and moved 500 miles away from anyone or anything I knew. When we arrived in Ohio, I did not know a single person.
But, I hoped that with the distance between them, the boys dad might be nice to them when he did see them. For the most part, it has worked.
However, several times each year, I make the trek to the halfway point to take the boys to spend time with their dad.
I hate that damn trip.
I don't know if I have ever mentioned before, but I don't like to drive. Not because I am a bad driver, but because there are so many morons on the road.
They irritate me. Somebody does something monumentally stupid behind the wheel and the She-Hulk puts in an appearance.
I rant.
I rage.
I pound the steering wheel.
My face turns an unflattering shade of red, flames shoot from my eyes, smoke from my ears, and I grind my teeth to sharp little nubs.
And it's so bleeding boring!
Hours and hours just sitting, staring at the road, watching out for aforementioned morons, road construction, and tractor-trailers.
Today on my way to pick D up from a week at his dad's, I had a creepy trucker experience. Have you ever had one of these?
Fifteen miles from the house at about 6:00am this morning, a humongous orange rig pulls up beside me, and matches my speed. I look over and there is this fairly normal looking guy smiling at me and giving me "thumbs up".
I smile and wave, then return to focusing on my coffee and keeping the beat with the oh so talented Freddie Mercury and Queen. (The BEST band EVER, and I was heartbroken when he died).
As I switched CD's to the amazing Sarah MacLachlan, I realized that Mr. Trucker dude was STILL matching my speed, but now pulling slightly ahead on my right and waving to get my attention. When I looked at him, he made the "ok" sign with his thumb and forefinger, winked and got this really big, creepy smile on his face.
Then after a while of this (several miles), he grabbed a piece of paper, and fanning himself mouthed "your so hot". Still grinning like a loon.
Okay.
Now, lets look at a few facts, shall we?
I had been awake for exactly 45 minutes after about four hours of sleep. I was on my first cup of coffee and I am a 40 year old chubby chick, with my hair scraped back into a braid, no makeup, and a "comfy" dress designed to not make me want to rip off all my clothes and run screaming through the truckstop after being in the car for many hours with no A/C.
One word covers todays look quite well: EWWW!
HOT never even entered into the same solar system as me today.
And still, this trucker continued this charade for an hour and a half! This guy needs an intervention. Or a cell. Not quite sure which.
So, by this time I was fairly well creeped out, and when I saw a sign for a truckstop, I decided rather quickly that the time had come to end my lurid trucker affair, and dashed off the offramp, double checking that he did not follow.
Several hours later after I had picked D up from his dad and we were back on the road heading home, I told him about the trucker.
His response?
"Ya know mom, that guys probably a perpetrator".
I had to stop the car to wipe a tear of pride from my eye.
The only reason I could think of for the guys bizarre behavior was my bumper sticker.
You see, I have a sticker on the back of my car that reads "Well behaved women seldom make history".
So, all I could surmise is that this Neanderthal read this sticker and instead of correctly interpreting that I am slightly feminist and refuse to "know my proper place" as a woman, he probably read it and thought "Woo Hoo! a bad girl! I could get lucky today".
Ick.
Creep.

FINALLY!

2008-06-14T06:40:00.000-07:00

YAY! We finally got the seller's lender to agree to providing an engineer's report on the foundation of the new house!
What that means is that we may actually close on said new house some time this fricking century!
We were originally supposed to close May 15th. Then it got moved to May 28th. Then to June 16th. Hopefully we will actually be able to close before we load up the moving truck on the 28th!
Yes, we are scheduled to leave on June 28th because of hubby's job.
So, there is a fair potential for homelessness in the very near future. Has anyone ever tried living with three people and two big dogs in a Hertz moving van in Northeast Texas? Was it comfy?

Meanwhile, back at Gal Central, things are in fair upheaval. Today I plan to go through all the boxes that we just filled with stuff and stuck in the garage when we started the demo on the office a few weeks ago.
I plan to donate a lot of stuff to the free store, but, if I recall correctly, there is a lot of junk to be thrown away.
Perhaps if the rain stops long enough I will get to dance naked around a big fire in the backyard.

Graduation Day

2008-06-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

It's been a very busy week, therefore, posts have been lacking.
Sorry about that.

Graduation day went just about as I had expected. I got up at 6am and started cooking for J's party. Between stirring four pots on the stove and chugging coffee like a stevedore, it was a busy morning.
The ceremony began at 1:30, and when the processional started and the grads walked into the room, I started to cry of course.
I know so many of these kids. Most of them have been to our home at one time or another. I have watched them grow from 8th grade midgets to adults. There were actually only about five to ten that I did not recognize. Many of them are my children by other mothers.
Hubby teared up right alongside me, (sorry honey!) although very manfully controlled the flow. (there. happy now?) He has raised these boys for the last eight years and loves them as his own. He was so proud of J., and has the blurry pictures to prove it. (Did you know that when you try to take pictures through tears, what you think is focused actually is not?)

J's father, step-mother, their new baby and grandmother came out for his graduation. I have no idea how I managed to be married to this man and his mother for so many years.
Anyway, their new baby is adorable. He actually looks a lot like D did when he was an infant.
Very cute.

The party went great, except for the fact that as usual, I made WAY too much food. We have been eating leftovers all week.

Off the Grid

2008-06-12T04:38:00.001-07:00

Sorry for the lack of posts. Things have not been interesting, just really busy.
Back to it soon, I promise.

Milestones

2008-06-07T06:33:00.000-07:00

It's here. Finally. Yet way too fast.
J is graduating from High School tomorrow.
Wasn't he just born last week?
Time has gone by so quickly. He has grown from my beautiful little 8 lb 9 oz baby to this large, hairy wonderful man in a matter of days it seems.
Of course, as an honest woman, I must admit that some moments have seemed that time has stopped completely. (You know those times, the terrible twos, the mouthy teens, etc... ya know, times when you completely understand why some animals eat their young)

J is this amazing person, one who will get out of bed in the middle of the night to help a friend. Someone who will stop at a broken down vehicle to help the stranded person. Someone who will go pick up a friend that has had too much to drink at a party, and bring them home for me to take care of. People know that they are safe with him, that they can trust him. That alone makes me proud to be his mom. That alone makes all the frustrations worthwhile.

Tomorrow will be a very emotional day for me. For the last half of my life, he and his brother have pretty much been the focus of my life. I have been to countless football games, wrestling matches, track meets, teacher conferences, spent nine days at the beginning of football season dragging myself to the school every morning at 5am to feed the football team breakfast and lunch while they participated in the "nasty nine". Nine days of living at the school as a team.
Being available whenever, wherever, and however they needed me to be.
It was always the most important thing to me that my boys know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was there for them.

And now, my firstborn is a man. He is graduating high school, starting a new full-time job on Monday and moving into his first apartment with his buddies in a couple weeks.
I will worry. I will wonder. I will drive hubby nuts missing him. But, I will know that he is okay. He is intelligent, (although of course doesn't always make the best decisions) he is strong, he is independent, and he is wonderful.

I love this man that came from my body. At times I have loved him fiercely, been frustrated beyond words, been enraged, been completely bewildered by his choices, been enraged. But, overwhelmingly, I have been proud.

I am proud to call this man son.

Slobs

2008-06-05T17:13:00.000-07:00

Not only am I surrounded by those of the testosterone bearing breed; I am surrounded by something even worse.
Slobs.
That's right. Total slobs.
My darling step-sons are total slobs. This is what comes of parents (such as their mother) never making them clean up after themselves or help out around the house.
Every day I come home to a mess. Every day. The kitchen counter covered in dishes, and crumbs and spills that they have not cleaned up after causing.
I don't ask a lot from them. Just CLEAN UP YOUR OWN MESS!
I got home tonight to the biggest mess so far. There was not a clean dish to be had. Somehow these two boys had managed to dirty every single dish. (My two sons are still in school til the end of the week)
I thought my head was going to explode. Not only do I already have plenty on my plate every day but now I have these two extra bodies laying around taking up space and wrecking the place.
I really, really want to bitch-slap their mom.
Grrr.

Stressed, Tired & Worn Out

2008-06-05T07:03:00.000-07:00

I have officially reached maximum overload. I am truly at meltdown point.
I think I am in major need of a "girls night" of poker, beer & belly laughter.

He's gone again, and other random thoughts

2008-06-03T05:35:00.000-07:00

So, wonderful hubby left yesterday for yet another business trip. Sad face.
This time though, he will only be gone a few days, and should report back to the homestead around midnight Thursday night.

We finally have a contract on the house in Texas, and the in-laws went to do a walk-through with our agent on Saturday and sent us a bunch of pictures. It is a bit of an older home, but on the plus side it IS 85 years newer than our current house, which is definitely a good thing! The only downside I can see is that it has a "one butt" galley kitchen and not a lot of cupboard space in the kitchen, but I am sure I will learn to deal. The rest of the house is very open and nice, and the closets are great.

In the two weeks that they have been here, eldest stepson has logged an average of 13 hours per day on the computer and youngest stepson has watched the first four seasons of BTVS on DVD in their entirety.
The only time they have stepped out the front door is when oldest takes out the trash and youngest takes out the dogs. The weather has been gorgeous, and I cannot fathom spending every minute indoors. They confuse me, I admit it. But, basically they are great kids, if a bit messy, so it's all good.

Oldest son is prepping for Graduation on Sunday (YAY! finally!) and we have all been making the rounds of various Graduation Parties this past week.
My ex-husband, his new wife, and their newborn (yes, a graduate and a newborn, **shudder**) will be here this weekend, along with my former M-I-L. Fun times, fun times.
Most of my family are teachers in NY state, and are still in school til the end of the month, so sadly will be unable to make the 500 mile drive out here.
We will be having a BBQ for his party out in the backyard, son is planning a trap-shoot competition, and we will have a bonfire after dark. Should be a good time, except for the noise of the gunfire. However, a good thing about that is we should not have to worry about any of the hundreds of birds that have decided to take up permanent residence in our trees poo-ing on anyone. Can't imagine they will stick around long once the guns start blazing. I may even take a turn trying to hit a tiny flying disk. We'll see.

Picture at top is our (hopefully) new house in Texas. Keep your fingers crossed for us that all turns out well and we can close next week as scheduled. Bureaucrats make the home buying process WAY harder than it needs to be.

Have a happy day!

My Life... Part 6...Innocence Lost

2008-05-31T06:20:00.000-07:00

It's late. The moon is full, and in the clearing I can see the fire pit and the picnic table. I see the Iris that my mother had planted the year before that smells like grape kool-aid and I hear the breeze in the trees all around me. It's a little chilly, but not cold.
The forest is not quiet at night. Leaves rustle, a branch falls somewhere behind me, and peeper frogs are chirping in the night. I am lying awake in my sleeping bag, looking at the stars in the sky, watching the trees sway gently above me, listening to the peaceful night sounds.
I sense movement to my right, where my parents are laying in their sleeping bag. My mother is asleep, and my father rolls over to face me. "Can't sleep?" he asked in a whisper, reaching over and placing his hand on my stomach, rubbing in small circles.
"Let me help you" he said, and began massaging gently.
We had always been a "touchy" family, lots of hugs and such when things were good, so I thought nothing of this.
After a few minutes, I began to feel drowsy, my eyes getting heavier when suddenly my whole body stiffened as his hand moved over my small budding breast.
"SHH!" he whispered harshly, pressing down with his hand, holding me in place.
I was scared.
He didn't stop.
I was ten years old.
He didn't stop.
I was innocent.
He didn't stop.

He didn't stop.

Never Again

2008-05-28T16:49:00.000-07:00

I am lying on a reclining medical chair, pillow behind my head, IV needle in my hand, and two IV bags hanging from a hook on the wall above my head.
I feel kind of dizzy, and strange. Not bad. Sleepy. Two hours into the treatment, four more to go.
I doze off, my book falls to my chest.
A few minutes later, that dizzy, strange feeling changes things up a bit. My chest feels heavy. I pick up my book and move it to the table beside me. My chest still feels heavy. It is taking more effort to breath. The nurse looks over and asks the frequently asked question "are you doing ok? Any changes?" This time, instead of saying alls good, I tell her about the heaviness.
Instantly, things in this room full of IV attached patients start to move pretty quickly.
The IV drip is turned off, only the saline is running. The doctor is called and less than a minute goes by before she is there.
Meanwhile, the heaviness in my chest has spread upward, and my throat is swelling at an alarming rate, making breathing more a real chore than an unconscious action.
The doctor orders 1000 units of steroids and 25 units of Benadryl to counteract the allergic reaction. No change, swelling continues. I now fairly closely resemble an NFL Linebacker in the neck region. Doc orders another 400 units of steroids and another 25 of Benadryl.
The waiting begins.
Slowly, the heaviness in my chest lightens a bit. The swelling in my throat begins to go down over the course of the next 40 minutes, and breathing gets a bit easier.
Doc comes to check on me and actually said "once the reaction is completely under control, with the massive amounts of steroid and benadryl we have given you, we can go ahead and start the IV drip again".
(WTF?!?!?!)
I literally had to bite my tongue to keep from asking if she was high.
HELLO!! My body has just quite convincingly demonstrated to me that I am ALLERGIC to this chemical cocktail! HELL NO you are not starting it back up the second I can fricking breathe again!
So now, I am home, sicker than hell and my heart is all wonky from the massive doses of steroids now jumping throughout my bod along with two hours worth of chemicals. Doc tells me that my heart will feel like this for a couple days. YAY.
Gotta love modern medicine.

Stem Cells Anyone?

2008-05-28T03:10:00.000-07:00

My Doctor is starting me on a new medication today that is such a horrendous mix of chemicals that they have to infuse them over a period of six hours. Fun times, fun times!
Yea. I'm thinkin' not.
When the insurance company approved (at up to $11,000 per dose) the medication change, I called to make the appointment. Now, for the past year, I have been getting Remicade through IV every six weeks and was able to schedule it for a Friday (my day off). With this crap, the nurse told me that I would have to come on a Wednesday, as they can only administer it when the doctor is in the office all day because they never know how a patient will respond to the cocktail!
For the love of God people! Can we make an effort to come up with something a little LESS likely to kill me?
So, since in the thirteen years since I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis (an Auto-Immune Disease in which my immune system is attacking and destroying any and all joint tissue) there has not been a medication that has worked for longer than a few months, a year at most, we are looking into ASC (Adult Stem Cell therapy).
Yes! It can be done, We can make her better, faster, stronger than ever before!
Oh, wait...Sorry for the Bionic Woman side-trip there.
I may have to go to Israel, or Japan, but apparently there is a process by which they can take stem cells from MY body, reprogram them, put them back in, and put me in total remission!
Sign me up people! Must do some further research into this. And, hubby mentioned yesterday that there may actually be some places here in the states that can do it. Picture the semi-cripple happy dance happening here at the thought of that!
Ok, gotta go get ready for this.

Memorial Day

2008-05-26T13:04:00.001-07:00

Today is Memorial Day.
A day to remember those who gave their lives that we may be free.
Free to fly our Flag with pride.
Free to speak our minds.
Free to live, love, laugh, worship, learn, each in our own way.

I have never lost a loved one in the struggle for freedom. But my husband served for years before I ever met him. He was in during the first Gulf War. Had he not been needed in Germany, he could have been lost before I ever had a chance to meet him.

I just want to say to all the brave, resolute men and women who voluntarily have put themselves in harms way to protect the American way of life...to those who made the sacrifice, to the families of those who have been lost in that struggle...
THANK YOU!
You are the reason we are free. May we never forget it.

A short respite

2008-05-24T06:18:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhh. Peace and quiet. No sound but the hum of the computer and the clicking of the keys on the keyboard. Sunshine streaming through the window and the chirping of birds.
This is my world at this moment.
Peaceful and lovely. And I am most definitely taking advantage of it while I have it!
J is off working. D spent the night at a buddies house. Hubby just left and will return at approximately 5pm, and the dogs are outside in their play yard.
The sun is shining, birds are singing, and the world is a happy place. And, since all of that is about to change, I intend to wring every bit of relaxation I can get out of this one day, 'cuz it has to last me.
Hubby is on his way to Indianapolis to pick up two of his kids.
So. Two more testosterone flooded humans are about to descend upon my world. Don't get me wrong, I am not the stereotypical wicked stepmother. I have a great relationship with the kids, and love them to death. But. They are high maintenance kids.
For example: Their mother has never made them eat healthy food. That's pretty much all I make. Every meal is a litany of "I don't like that" with my oldest stepson gagging at the table before a bite even touches his lips.
She has never allowed, nor made them, think or do for themselves. Example: my 16 y/o stepson cannot make himself something to eat if he is hungry. Nothing. Unless it is a frozen burrito that he can stick in the microwave, and then I have to tell him how to do it.
She has never given them any chores to do around the house. She actually told me once that, "my kids don't do chores" when we went to pick them up for a summer visit. I immediately responded with "They do at our house". She has always babied them and kept them essentially helpless. She insists that her kids be "allowed to be kids". I agree. Kids should be kids, because adulthood is coming and sticks around.
What she doesn't seem to understand is that in a few short years, these teens are going to leave and move out on their own, and they are in no way prepared to take care of themselves. She is really stunting their growth and maturity. They will have a real struggle ahead of them because they were never taught by their mom to do anything or to solve problems by themselves.
Being a kid does NOT mean that there are not lessons to be learned for the future.
So. When they come to our house... they have chores. They have to take turns with everyone else in the house at doing dishes, running the vacuum, dusting and cleaning bathrooms. And they have to clean up after themselves.
OH MY GOD THE TORTURE! HORRORS! I am even teaching them to cook!
Maybe she is right... maybe I am the evil stepmother.
I am evil incarnate, and should be destroyed.
In the meantime, I am going to take full advantage of the peace and quiet before they descend upon our world.

Taught a Class Tonight

2008-05-21T19:17:00.000-07:00

So I taught a class tonight about Substance Facilitated Sexual Assault.
Fun times, fun times.
There are SO MANY drugs out there that are consistently used for rape. But, the creepiest one to me has to be GHB.
It's chemical STRIPPER people! Mixed with Drain Cleaner! Who the F#CK thought up this crap?? Who looks at stripping chemicals or drain cleaner and say "Hey! Let me try some of that, see what happens!" or.. "HEY! I bet if I put some of this in a drink, I can get me some!"
Good Lord. Who thinks up this shit?
A few words to the wise:
1] If you go out in a group, arrange ahead of time that you leave AS A GROUP! Nobody leaves alone, even to go to the bathroom.
2] Don't let anyone buy a drink for you. Go up to the bar and buy your own. WATCH the bartender make your drink. You would be terrified at the number of bartenders that are actually complicit in drug facilitated rapes.
3] If you order a bottle of water (perhaps you are the designated driver) Make sure you order an UNOPENED bottle of water. If you get it and it is pre-opened, send it back. Many drugs used are tasteless and colorless, and can be added to water.
4] If someone in your group starts suddenly behaving in a blatantly sexual manner when that is not their usual style, take them to the hospital to be tested. If they appear very drunk but have had little to drink, same thing.
5] Many of the girls on those sick DVD's "Girls Gone Wild" have very likely been dosed with GHB or Ecstasy. Girls don't just get into explicit "girl on girl" action all of a sudden with no past history of that behavior.
6] Someone who has been dosed with GHB may act, talk, respond to your conversation, but can actually be "unconscious". Most report taking a drink, and then blacking out. However, witnesses report that they were lively and vibrant the entire time. Or that "she/he was all over that guy, dirty dancing, kissing", etc... This is typical of that drug.
7] Alcohol is still the #1 drug used to facilitate rape.
8] A person who has had too much alcohol, self-medicated, or used illicit drugs {even voluntarily} CANNOT legally give consent to sex. Anyone who has sex with someone in that condition is committing RAPE.
Consent is where it's at people. Don't be shy! ASK your partner "is it ok if I.. touch you, kiss you, have sex with you" That way, there can be no question of consent as long as they are not under the influence of a mind altering substance.
And always remember, women are NOT the only ones to be assaulted! 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 MEN WILL BE sexually assaulted in their lifetimes.
End of lecture.
Be safe out there people!

What's wrong with me?

2008-05-20T07:47:00.001-07:00

I don't know.
I am sitting at my desk at work, with a rather large stack of pre-leaving tasks that simply must be done, and I cannot get focused or motivated to do any of it.
I am in a serious "screw it all" mood today.
I want to go home, put on my sweats, grab my pillow and a blanket and spend the day on the sofa alternating between napping and watching season six of BTVS on DVD.
AARRGG! I really need to get out of here for the day!

What to write about?

2008-05-19T17:36:00.000-07:00

So.
Between hubby coming home, slicing a vein and bleeding signatures and money to settle on the new house, working to get the old house set to sell, prepping my awesome job for my leaving, kids & dogs, you would think I would have plenty to write about.
La dee da... nothing.
I think my brain is tired.
Maybe something will come to me tomorrow. I could ostensibly write about my life, but I don't want to depress the hell out of everyone every day, so I try to post other things in there to break up the ickieness.
So... maybe tomorrow.
Hope you are all having a great day.

He's Home!!

2008-05-16T06:09:00.000-07:00

Hubby's Home!!!! YAYYYY! Yippeeeee!
Everyone have a great day today... I know I'm going to!

My Life Part 5... Drunks and Guns

2008-05-14T15:40:00.000-07:00

Once in a while my fathers friend would have his teenage son come spend some time at our cabin for a week or two in the summer. We'll call him Tom.
This one summer right after we moved into the cabin, we all loaded up in the car and went to a doubleheader baseball game about 45 minutes drive away. All of us kids took off to play, running around like hooligans as kids will do on a fine summer day at a baseball field. We had a grand day eating hotdogs and drinking pop.
My mother (lugging my baby brother with her) met up with some of the players wives and spent her day chatting with friends and avoiding my father.
Dear old dad spent his day hanging out near the concession stand with buddies slurping down one Genesee beer after another.
Mom told dad before the end of the second game that we needed to leave because the baby was fussy or something. He, of course, was enjoying his beer swilling and bullshitting too much to leave just because she could not handle the kids.
Mom continued trying to get us all rounded up and ready to leave. Dad meanwhile was feeling very abused and put upon because he was having to listen to her tell him we needed to go.
He was smashed beyond belief.
As I have mentioned before, sober dad = charming, funny. Drunk dad = dangerous.
I could literally feel his rage directed at her, and was afraid. He roared for us kids to get in the car, all the while glaring at mom.
We got in the back, and mom reached in and handed the baby to me. After she stood up, and put one leg in to get in the car, my father stomped on the gas pedal, dragging my mother alongside the car for a little ways while she was screaming at him to stop the car. Finally, he let her get in, and peeled out onto the road.
Not a word was spoken by anyone. But, I knew what was coming, and my fear jumped to terror of the night ahead.
He turned onto the highway leading home, and instead of maintaining legal speed, continued to press down on the gas pedal, ever so slowly increased speed, glaring at my mother, daring her to say a word. In his mind, if she said anything in an attempt to tell him what to do, that would justify what was coming next.
I was sitting in the middle on the back seat, and could see the speedometer needle reach 80, pass it to 85, 90, 95, 100, 110, finally pegging at 120mph.
All the while, he was glaring at my mother, weaving in and out of traffic, so drunk I am surprised he could even see.
Mom tried to calmly get him to slow the car as he was speeding up. He just glared. She finally said "N, if you want to kill yourself, wait until your family is not around!"
I could hear my voice in my head saying over and over "stop mom, maybe it will be ok. Stop mom, and maybe it will be ok" I knew better of course. But it was like a mantra repeating over and over in my head.
Shockingly, we made it to the house without dying, or killing anyone else. The fear was a tight knot in my stomach, I needed to throw up and my hands were shaking. I could literally taste my fear. Mom said "Kids, go in the house", and Tom and I took my 3 year old and 9 month old brothers into the cabin and waited for what would surely come next.
It was worse than I had imagined.
Out in the clearing in front of the cabin, he hit her, punched her, threw her onto the picnic table and clenched both hands tightly around her throat, bending her back over the table, raging at her in a tightly controlled voice that raised to a bellow. She was turning deep red and choking and I was beyond fear. Beyond terror.
Finally, when she was near unconsciousness, he let go and stormed into the house.
He passed us without a glance and went into the sleeping area where his guns were mounted on the wall. He pulled down the .12 gauge shotgun, loaded both barrels and headed back to the front door. He opened the screen door all the way and aimed the gun at my mother, who was still gasping for air at the picnic table.
Just as she looked up, sensing movement from his direction, he pulled up, aimed at her head, and fired. KABOOM!
Time stopped. My mother screamed his name, my brothers screamed and began to cry in great, terrified, gulping sobs, and I yelled at my father to stop.
Before she could get away, he aimed again, and pulled the trigger. KABOOM!
Knowing that he was out of ammunition for the moment, my mother tried to grab us kids and take us with her to walk to the neighbors house to call the police. He very calmly told her that she was more than welcome to get the fuck out, but she was not taking his kids anywhere, and he would kill her if she tried.
With terror on her face, she looked at me and said "take care of the boys, I will be back soon" and with that, she began walking down the hill.
I didn't know what to do next. The boys were crying and hysterical and I could not get them to calm down. Tom looked as if he was afraid to breathe.
"Get outside, but don't go anywhere"
This was said calmly, with dead eyes as he looked at me, standing there, a skinny nine year old with a baby in her arms and a toddler holding her leg.
I was too afraid not to obey, but it was beginning to get a bit dark by this time, and there was nowhere to go, so Tom and I took the babies and went to sit in the car.
After some time the three year old calmed down and began playing quietly in the back seat. The baby cried himself to sleep. None of us had had dinner.
We sat there for hours, occasionally hearing ranting or crashing coming from inside the cabin.
"I will shoot the first cop I see! I will shoot anyone who comes near this cabin! If that bitch sends the cops here I will kill them then myself!" I heard him ranting. I wished he would just pass out. Then we could go inside and I could feed the kids and put them to bed. My arms were tired from holding the baby, so I lay him on the floor by my feet.
Time stopped it seemed, and things got very quiet in the cabin. It got darker and darker until finally at about 10 or 11pm, a patrol car comes up the hill and two police officers get out. They come to the car to check on us and I told them that my father had guns and had threatened to shoot any cops he sees.
The officers took their flashlights and with their guns drawn, approached the cabin quietly and crouched low. I kept waiting to hear the first shot come from the cabin.
As they got close to the cabin, the turned off their lights and called out to my father. No response.
They walked around the cabin looking in windows. I could not watch. I could not keep myself from watching.
Eventually, the officers came back, leading my handcuffed father to their cruiser. They put him in the back, got in the front and drove away without a word to us. They just left us there in the car. A boy of 15, a girl of 9, and two boys aged 3 and 9 months. They left us.
I picked up the baby, Tom picked up my other brother, who had fallen asleep by then, and we carried them into the cabin and put them to bed. Then we sat at the table and waited.
A couple of hours later, my mother came home. I was never so happy and relieved to see another person in my life.
The next morning, my mom drove to town to press charges against my father. She stood before the judge who told her "He has been released. We put him in a cell for the night, and I talked to him this morning. He's sorry for how he behaved and promised never to do it again".
In later years, my mother told me that she just stared at the judge for a moment and then said "He strangled me. He pointed a gun at my head and pulled the trigger. Twice! and you let him go?" At that moment, she knew that nobody would help us. We were on our own.
Later that day as we were working outside, my father walked up the hill, took my mother in the house for a few minutes and then they came outside and started working like nothing had happened the night before.
I wonder if he ever noticed the bruises?
I wonder if he ever noticed the powder burns on her forehead or the singed hair where his shots had come within a hairsbreadth away from killing her?

HELP MYANMAR

2008-05-13T19:00:00.001-07:00

This is my brothers video. He and his wife spent three years in Myanmar teaching. My niece was born there. It is a beautiful, tragic place, filled with amazing, wonderful people kept firmly under the foot of the military junta. Please watch the video and help if you can.
Thank you so much!

Help!

2008-05-12T19:22:00.000-07:00

Anyone who perhaps has the secret knowledge of how the heck to add a youtube video to a blog post, would you please share that secret?
I wanted to just put my brother's video on my post, but could not figure out how.
Any and all help would be very appreciated.
Thanks!

Disaster in Myanmar

2008-05-12T08:31:00.000-07:00

Hey dear readers,
My brother and his wife spent three years in Myanmar as teachers. They have put together this video about the people of Myanmar and the need to circumvent the junta to get aid to the people that need it the most.
Please watch the video, and donate whatever you can. 100% of all donations will be given directly to the people of Myanmar who are in such desperate need.
Here is the link to the video: http://www.youtube.com/jroetcs
Thank you for whatever you can do to help.
God Bless.
V

Happy Mother's Day!

2008-05-11T06:34:00.000-07:00

To all the moms out there that do so much each and every day that goes unnoticed.
To all the moms out there for all the sleepless nights sitting by the bedside of a sick child.
To all the moms out there who spend hours every week driving a child back and forth to practice and never miss a game or recital.
To all the moms out there who have no one to share the burdens or the joys of having children.
To all the moms out there who have left everything and everyone they know to insure that their child can grow up safe and happy.
To all the moms out there that love unconditionally, yet still manage to discipline an unruly toddler or child.
To ALL the moms out there...
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

My Friend H

2008-05-10T20:10:00.000-07:00

I have a wonderful friend named H. He and his wife and two cats live in Finland.
I have never actually met him, or her, or even their cats.
I met H about four years ago on the MSN game zone while playing backgammon, and we just hit it off, and have been friends ever since. We try to "get together" a couple times a month to play backgammon online, or just to say hello and catch up with each others lives.
H is a wonderful photographer, and sends me some of the most amazing pictures of birds I have ever seen. He, and most of Finland apparently, are very much into bird watching, and he and S (his wife) often take bird watching trips all over the countryside.
H and S also take several trips to various locations around the world each year. They can do that... they don't have kids, and therefore have money. Amazing how that works, isn't it?
So, a couple times a year I will open my email and find some truly amazing pictures of places like Austria, Bratislava, and other European cities. I get to see beautiful locations all over the world, without ever leaving my house.
Over the years I have met some truly wonderful people on the internet, and I love how it allows me to "meet" people all over the world. The internet gives a great sense of freedom.
H has said that someday, after we move to Texas, he and S will come to America for one of their vacations and visit us.
It will be lovely to actually meet my friend, and whip his butt in backgammon on a real board.

My Life ....Part 4

2008-05-06T16:08:00.000-07:00

So...
We got the cabin finished and moved in. My mother learned to cook entire meals on a wood stove or over a fire in a block pit outside in the clearing. This was where I learned to cook. To this day, I make some of the yummiest meals over a campfire.
We put a kerosene lamp on the table, one on the counter, and mounted four on the walls, one on each wall, and this was the sum total of the light in our house.
That fall I started in the new school. The craziest part of that was the fact that our cabin sat directly on the Pennsylvania/New York border. It was determined that since my bed was in the PA side of the cabin, I had to go to school in PA. Now, the NY school was about 15 minutes bus ride away. The PA school, over an hour bus ride. The bus could not make it up our hill, of course, so I walked a mile down to the bus stop every morning. In the beginning I did not mind the walk, since after about half a mile I met up with a few other kids that lived below us on the hill. It wasn't so bad. At least, until they found out how we lived.
Once word got around that we lived like the pioneers, and the kids saw my cheap, ugly clothes that were all my mother could afford because of the hours my father spent in the bar every day, life became hell. It got even worse after the day I overheard a group of girls talking about something called "Charlie's Angels" and a woman named Farrah Fawcett. I had no idea who they were talking about, so, wanting to make friends with these girls I decided to join the conversation.
"Who is Farrah Fawcett?" I asked. A shocked silence followed my question, and I knew I had done something wrong. Once they found out that I had no clue as I had no TV because we had no electricity, things got very bad in school.
From that day in the beginning of third grade I literally had no friends. Nobody spoke to me except to say something nasty. Even some of the teachers were mean.
Kids on our hill were particularly vicious. They threw rocks and sticks at me, continually taunting me as I walked up the hill toward home.
Once I got home, I had to get the fire going for dinner, make sure there was enough water for the night, do my homework and peel potatoes for dinner.
When my parents came home every night the same thing happened... my mother would walk in first, and she and I would look at each other. From her eyes, I would know whether my little brothers and I could safely stay in the house, or if I had to take them out into the woods away from the cabin to play until my father passed out on the couch and my mom called us in for dinner. He frequently got violent with her, so I would take the boys further away so they would not hear what was happening and get scared.
It was my job to protect them. No matter how rotten and horrible they were (aren't all little brothers?) they were my responsibility and nobody would hurt them. Ever.
I did not realize how good things were until they got much, much worse.

Product Endorsement

2008-05-05T17:05:00.000-07:00

Found this AWESOME stuff yesterday! As I have mentioned before, we are getting our house ready to sell. I have been busily painting and prepping and so on and so forth, but I had not yet found anything that would get rid of the black mold growing in the boys bathroom. It was there when we moved into the house, and no amount of scrubbing would get rid of it. Very irritating!
Anyway, I was at Menard's yesterday picking up some paint rollers and other stuff, and came across this stuff... Rubbermaid Mildew & Mold Stain Remover It is AWESOME! Foul and nasty, make sure you are well ventilated, wear a mask & gloves, but I sprayed it on the mold and within two or three minutes it was GONE! Completely gone!
Normally, I hate using strong chemicals in, around, or near my house, cuz that's just nasty and bad for everyone. But, the mold had to go!
I highly recommend this stuff if you have a mold or mildew problem.

My Life.... Part 3.... A funny bit

2008-05-05T05:45:00.000-07:00

I remember when we were living in tents and building the cabin, my parents and baby brother slept in one canvas tent, and I and my three other brothers (my older brothers still spent summers with us) shared another. We had these old army cots to sleep on. I have always had very vivid dreams and nightmares, even more vivid nightmares when I am sick, and as a child I used to walk in my sleep.
One night I had this truly terrifying nightmare, I don't remember exactly what I dreamed about (c'mon...I was eight at the time! Sheesh! I hate to think how long ago that was), but I remember climbing out of my cot, opening the tent and running, screaming, through the woods to the dirt road, all done while in this crazy dream haze, half awake and still asleep.
I stood in the middle of the dirt road and screamed like I was being murdered. I remember my parents running through the woods towards me, my father in tighty-whities and big boots, shotgun in hand, and my mom in her shortie nightie. They both looked terrified.
Apparently they thought a bear had attacked our tent and was chasing me.
I think I slept with a flashlight for a month after that.
Oh, and we did see bear tracks a few times during the years we lived at the cabin, especially around the pond, but never actually saw a bear.

My Life ..... part 2

2008-05-04T04:32:00.000-07:00

Someone left a comment on the last post about there being lots of sad stories out there, and being careful not to let yours define your life.
I tell my story not as a way to garner sympathy or pity. I don't need either. I tell my story so that others who perhaps may be in similar circumstances may gain hope and strength, knowing that things can and do get better. No matter what a person lives through as a child or young adult, life is beautiful. You just have to want it bad enough.
I also tell my story that people might be made aware of what is out there, that parents might be watchful even of those closest to them so that they can have a better chance of protecting their children.
So...
We lived in the cabin off and on for eight years beginning in 1976. We were dirty and poor, not because of a lack of income, both my parents worked and my father made what was considered a great wage at that time. He just drank and partied the money away.
The first year in the cabin was more of an adventure than anything else. My brothers and I spent hours upon hours swimming in the pond in a clearing up the hill, and playing cowboys and indians through the forest. We built rickety forts, and played Tarzan, swinging on thick vines that hung from the trees. Our nearest neighbor was over half a mile away, so we had the run of the top of the hill.
There was also lots of work. Water had to be hauled daily from the spring, dead trees knocked down, cut up and chopped for the fire, and kindling gathered. And, animals had to be tended. At the cabin we had a bull and steer, twelve pigs, a hundred chickens, and dogs and cats that all needed fed and pens cleaned. The dogs and cats of course had the run of the place.
We were strong and healthy children. We literally never got sick. I believe that was because we spent most of our time outdoors, playing and working hard every day. Many people expressed envy at our simple lifestyle. But, underneath it all, our simple lifestyle hid a darker truth.

My Life

2008-05-03T13:28:00.000-07:00

What I am about to reveal to you good readers is the gospel truth, no matter how fantastic it may seem to you. Every word that I will write regarding my life is completely true.
My life now is pretty darn good. I have a wonderful husband and the coolest kids on the planet. We have two awesome dogs (basically stupid, but good dogs nonetheless). We have a home, electricity, running water, food on the table and presents under the tree at Christmas.
Sounds pretty simple, doesn't it? But, compared to the first three decades of my life, it is wonderful.
My father, who is currently residing somewhere in the Sunshine State, was, and I am sure still is, a violent alcoholic. When he was sober, he was fun, charming, and the best friend a person could have. Unfortunately, sober was not something he ever aspired to be. I have not seen nor spoken to him in 20 years. He has never seen his grandsons. He never will. But there has never been another person who has impacted my life and personality more than he. What follows is the true story.
When my father was drunk, he was mean. I don't mean just cranky, I mean Mad Dog Mean. Vicious. Embarrassing. Loud. Obnoxious. Maudlin. VIOLENT.
He would occasionally disappear for days or weeks at a time, leaving my mother with three kids, no money and no food in the house. I can't tell you how many times I saw him beat her. It was too many times to count. She had three kids, and nowhere to go, as Domestic Violence was not even a word yet. Cops were less than useless, and there were no shelters or services available to her. She had no choice but to stay.
Our "home", meaning whichever apartment in whichever state he decided to move us to always was violent. Even games were violent.
He had two favorite games to play with my older brothers and myself when my younger brothers were too young to be interesting.
First was the belt game. We all stood in a circle, facing inward. Each of us had a leather belt, and the purpose of the game was for everyone to just whip their belts out striking each other as hard as possible over and over until only one person was able to withstand the pain and was the winner. If you cried, you were a pansy. I was five years old.
Second was the shoe war. We would split into teams, my father and I vs. My two older brothers. We would divide the house into territories, each team controlling a territory. Then we would race to gather as many shoes as possible. We would then stalk throughout the house throwing shoes at each other to try to take over territory. If you got hit, you were dead until your teammate revived you.Anyone remember shoes in the 70's? Wooden clogs, Penny loafers with hard soles, Wing tips, etc. HARD, very hard. I was eight years old. My oldest brother got his nose broken for the first time during that game.
Those were fun times. Imagine punishments.
That was also the year that my father decided to buy some property on a mountain in Pennsylvania. They bought ten acres, eight of which were forest surrounded on three sides by more than 5,000 acres of state forest.
I remember we lived in tents on the property for three months while we built the cabin which was finished in July of 1976. It took a long time to build because there was no electricity on the mountain, so we had to use hand saws and tools to build.
The cabin wasn't really a cabin, more of a shack, actually. One room for five people. By this time, my older brothers had gone to live with their mother, so it was my parents, me, and my two younger brothers, the youngest of whom was six months old when we moved in. There was a wood stove in the center of the room that my mom cooked on, bunk-beds on the right hand wall, my youngest brother's crib beside it. We had a table and chairs on the other side of the stove from the beds, and a sofa on the left wall. There was an old sink at the foot of the bunk-bed with a drain hose that ran out under the cabin.
We had no electricity and no running water. My father had a "water witch" come out to the meadow 100 yards below our cabin and divine the water source, and we dug a well and put a hand pump on it. It was spring fed, crystal clear and cold. Whenever we needed water to cook, clean or bathe with, we had two five gallon buckets that we had to haul water uphill in. The outhouse was a ways down the hill from the cabin.

More later.

Wish I was in Texas already!

2008-05-01T03:57:00.000-07:00

Man, what the heck happened to Spring?
The weather the past few weeks has been lovely. All my flowers are in bloom, the grass is green, and we packed up our space heaters and cold weather clothes in storage in preparation for the move. Even nights have been plenty warm.
Until THIS week.
This week has been FREEZING. We even woke up to clumps of snow on the ground the other day. With no heat in the house, it has been about 54F consistently in the house all week.
And my bed-warmer is in Orlando!
I have been putting a heating pad under the covers in our bed at night about an hour before I go to bed, and then move it down to my feet when I actually climb in.
Sheesh!
Supposed to be warm again today though. YAY! I'm getting pretty tired from all the shivering.

Dear Sweet Jesus

2008-04-29T04:35:00.000-07:00

I found this: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/austria_captive_daughter when I was checking out the news this morning.
This vile creature re: pedophile, began molesting his daughter when she was eleven years old. When she was eighteen, he drugged her, bound her, and locked her in a basement cell for 24 YEARS!! Fathered seven, yes, SEVEN children upon his daughter, and when one of the children died in infancy, he tossed the poor thing into an incinerator. Three of the other children, the eldest age 19, the youngest 5, have NEVER SEEN THE LIGHT OF DAY!
Now, horrible, terrible, evil as this entire situation is; one thing stands out to me.
It is stated that this evil being faces FIFTEEN years in prison if convicted. FIFTEEN YEARS!?!?!? He held her prisoner, repeatedly raping her for over 24 years!
How in the name of all that is holy do we think we can EVER halt violence against women and children if the so-called Justice System is so fricking scewed?!
Quick, somebody give me a helmet! I swear my head is going to explode!

My other son is a genius too!

2008-04-24T04:33:00.000-07:00

So, as it says on my sidebar, I have two sons. J is 18 and D is 16. They are both great young men, but sometimes the strange ways their minds work just confuses me to no end. Guys just are not logical.
Let me explain:
Monday I was home sick, and had just lay down on my bed to try to rest a bit when my phone rang. It was the school calling.
"Hello, this is L from _________ School calling"
"Hi L! What's up?"
"Well, I was calling to see if J is with you?"
I was confused. J and D had hopped in J's truck at the normal time this morning, headed off to school.
"Umm, noo, he is there at school, with you" I replied.
"I think I need to explain the situation here for you" she said. "A little while ago, a woman called here, said she was J's mom, was stranded with a flat tire at Wal-Mart, and needed him to come help her get her car going again".
(I have to admit, I was insulted. I would NOT call my son out of school to come change a flat tire for me! I would cuss, kick said flat, jump around holding my sore toe for a few moments, then change the damn tire myself! Plus, I don't shop at Wal-Mart - they don't double coupons.)
Anyway, L continues on with her story...
"Well, I called J down to the office, and told him that you needed him to meet you a Wal-mart, had him sign out, and he left. When I looked out the window, I saw him leaving in a truck with his friends J, P, and A. Just a couple of minutes later, a guy called, said he was J's step-father, and had made a doctor appointment for J, and needed him to leave school and meet him at home to go to the appointment".
All his life, whenever J tries to do something sneaky, I bust him out. You would think he would learn. I just shook my head, eyes closed in frustration as I listened in disbelief to the tale of his inept attempt to skip school.
"Thanks for clueing me in L, give me a few minutes to get hold of him, and I will send him back to school". I said this in a very resigned voice. My sons are brain surgeons in the making, I tell you.
So, knowing my son as I do, I sent him a text message "Hey". (He often texts me from school, so I knew he would suspect nothing)
He sends back "what's up".
I reply... CALL ME RIGHT NOW!.
I tell you, I could literally hear him saying "oh shit...busted" to his buddies.
I waited a few minutes. No call. So, I called him. And he answered!
"J" says I, in my calm, quiet voice that generally scares the crap out of anyone hearing it because it means MOM IS VERY ANGRY. "Where are you?"
"ummm" he replies in his own special way.
"Get your butt BACK in school RIGHT NOW! Then come home immediately after school so I can kill you!"
He says "I'm busted right? How did you find out?"
"You goofball, if you are gonna try to use your parents to skip out of school, don't have TWO people call in with TWO different stories to get you out!"
His response?
"Mom, you have to admit, it was a good plan except for the miscommunication! I asked one person to do it, and she said no, so I asked another friend who was gonna do it for me. I guess my friend decided to do it anyway".

You know what scares me the most? In a little more than a month, this brilliant, wonderful boy will graduate and move out on his own. He will not survive out there. He is going to end up moving back in with us, and staying FOREVER!
A brain surgeon I tell you!

Sad, Sick and Screwed Up World

2008-04-22T16:19:00.000-07:00

By way of Xavier, we caught this news article that made me really sad. Pippa Bacca a performance artist attempting to spread a message of peace, was found raped and strangled, her body dumped on the side of a road.
Every day, I, and thousands of others the world around, work to stop the spread of violence against women.
Unfortunately, for every one of US out there, there are probably five scumbags for whom life has no value. They think only of their own sick, perverse desires and will do whatever it takes to get what they want, no matter who is broken, killed or destroyed spiritually.
I can't tell you how many times I have been asked "how can you do that work? How can you deal with that trauma day after day?" by people after I explain what I do.
My response is this: How can I NOT do what I do?
I guess a little background is needed here.
I am a survivor of incest and child sexual abuse at the hands of my father for the first half of my life. I have always felt that the word "abuse" is much too tame and gentle a word. It does not come close to describing the destruction one person can cause to another.
So, having come through, having survived, how can I not use my experiences to help those who are newly victimized?
What would my life be worth if I just buried what had been done to me and ignored what is being done to other women, girls, and yes, men and boys by the same type of scumbag that destroyed my life?
It is not something I can turn my back on, nor pretend it does not exist. Can you?

If you appreciate what our soldiers have done for you...

2008-04-20T06:12:00.000-07:00

Quickly, before I have to get back to packing & cleaning:
If you appreciate what our soldiers have done, make sure you know how to say "Thank You" no matter where you are, where you see them, or what you are doing when you see them.
Go here: http://www.gratitudecampaign.org/fullmovie.php to learn the sign.
Thanks go out to Morning Glory for the link!

Gotta get ready

2008-04-18T18:47:00.000-07:00

see more crazy cat pics

Real Estate Agent coming to the house Monday to take pictures... must chase down all the dust bunnies that have accumulated! Have a great weekend all!

People should have to have a license to reproduce

2008-04-17T19:40:00.000-07:00

Now, you all who have read previous posts know that I work with victims of sexual violence. But, I also deal with domestic violence (since the two seem to go hand in hand) and child abuse on occasion.
The past two days I have dealt with two child abuse issues. The first was a teen who had been sexually abused by a family members boyfriend for two years. When mom found out, she took the right steps and immediately reported said scumbag and sought help for her daughter. YAY mom! I love the parents who support their kids who have been harmed. I can say that reporting takes huge guts, courage and determination. Families are literally torn apart when allegations of sexual abuse are brought to light. So I give this woman huge kudos for standing up and being a voice for her daughter.
Then, you have the parents who either:
Don't believe kid...
Keep the abuse secret....
or...
BLAME the kid!
I firmly believe that there is a very special corner in Hell for these parents.
This poor kid is standing in front of you, the one person on the planet that they are supposed to be able to trust and be safe with, and you won't help them??!! WTF??!!
I have said before, and nothing has ever changed my mind;
Some people should be neutered at birth. Some people should just NOT be allowed to breed.
End of rant.

New Favorite Song

2008-04-17T13:58:00.000-07:00

I was reading some of Abby's past posts, and found this link: http://www.iraq-songs.com/
This is a site at which you can buy a CD of music that was written, performed and recorded by our soldiers in Iraq. "Iraq Unplugged" is awesome. Some of the songs made me really think about what our men and women in service miss out on, and what they go through. Some of it made me laugh out loud... I think I have a new favorite song folks: "Mortaritaville" and you can hear it by clicking on the link above.
Give it a try... if you like it, support a servicemember and buy the CD!

Remembering

2008-04-16T14:54:00.000-07:00

Bayou Renaissance Man remembers Bergen-Belsen.
http://bayourenaissanceman.blogspot.com/2008/04/remembering-bergen-belsen.html
Check it out.
Then thank those who have stood between us and a similar fate.

In a quandary

2008-04-15T17:17:00.000-07:00

I am in a quandary here folks. I don't know who to vote for.
I tend not to agree with either party most of the time, and actually spent the last half of last year desperately hoping Michael Bloomburg would run for president, so that I would have someone with at least half a brain to vote for.
Just so you know, I tend to be Conservatively Liberal. Frustrating, I know. And, frankly a bit nerve making since I am moving to what is quite possibly the most conservative state in the nation. (And I felt out of place in Ohio!)
Anyway.
YES, I am a tree-hugger. Of sorts. I think saving the environment is important. HOWEVER... I DO think we need to open up the Alaskan Oil Fields for drilling. The critters will learn to deal and adapt. Really. We truly need to get FAR away from Mid-east Oil. If that will help us.. then I say GO FOR IT.
YES, I think gays should have the same rights as married couples as we do. I do not feel that exposing children to alternative lifestyles is going to corrupt their little minds. People are people, and love is love. What people do with their lives, as long as it does not harm others, is between them and God, and is really not my business.
I personally do not believe in abortion. But, I would not have the audacity to tell another woman that she could not have one simply because I don't believe in it. I do not, however, believe that late term abortion should be legal in any way.
I am for the death penalty in cases of proven murder, rape and severe child abuse.
I believe that law abiding citizens should have the right, always, to bear arms and to defend themselves and their families.
I support our soldiers unequivocally. My husband was Army for six years. As far as I am concerned, for the most part, they are the bravest men and women in the world and are standing between Americans and the terrorists. (Then there are the idiot soldiers who toss puppies off cliffs - http://www.tosspuppy.com/)
But, in general, they are great people standing for America.
I don't feel that we should have gone to war in Iraq. America should not be the world's policemen. However, since we DID go to war, we need to stay and finish the job, and do it right.

I know... sometimes I even confuse myself with the wanderings of my mind.
But, as far as how to vote in this election... I have NO clue. Hilary is (for a highly intelligent woman) a complete idiot. Obama is just scary. And John McCain... well... just the thought of yet another Republican in office is enough to make my blood run cold. Our country will bankrupt itself if that happens. We will be back to breadlines.
I really really wish Bloomburg had run.
If you have any cogent theories to share, feel free. I could use the help making up my mind.

I am amazed I ever found any!

2008-04-14T13:13:00.001-07:00

So, this afternoon I went to blogger and decided to look around a bit, trying to find some interesting new blogs to read. I have several that I keep up with regularly, and thought I would find some new ones to add to my list.
I went to my blog page, then hit "next blog". Amazingly enough, I ended up clicking "next blog" at least 40 times before I found one in English! I felt like I was wandering lost around the Tower of Babel!
Are there so few English speaking people left then?
Fairly discouraging, I must say.

Fairly random note; we got the final word from wonderful hubby's company today, and YES, they will be transferring him to Texas! We will be moving in June. Now if I could just find a house...

Ok, I'm Done, I promise!

2008-04-13T09:20:00.000-07:00

Ok. To all three of you who have read this blog, I am DONE changing my layout. I promise! It took me a minute to find a layout that I actually like, so I tested several for a couple days each. I'm sure you understand.
Wonderful hubby uploaded this layout that I found on Pyzam.com for me, and I love it!
He is so awesome.
Anyway, I figure that I really like this, so it SHOULD stay this way for at least a little while.
Smile & have a happy Sunday!

Guess I Belong

2008-04-13T07:09:00.001-07:00

Guess I belong in the 1970's.
Get down with my bad, protestin' self!
Where do you belong? Find out here:

http://www.blogthings.com/whatyeardoyoubelonginquiz/

Now What?

2008-04-12T19:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, so we flew to Texas a couple weeks ago and did a marathon home search. I think we looked at between 15-20 houses in two days. We found two that were pretty much what we were looking for. We put an offer on our favorite. Someone beat us to it. We put an offer on #2. Offer accepted. YAY! Financing agent says sure. YAY again! Pay $200 for an inspector to go out and do his thing. Inspection report comes back, and the foundation needs work. (Apparently, foundations are quite the issue in Texas)
Anyway, it needs $2500 in repairs, and we cannot get financed without the repairs being done or the price being reduced by said amount.
So, we resubmit our offer, including the needed changes. No Go. So... offer withdrawn. No house. Sad face.
So now we start the whole process all over again. Only problem is, we are 1,000 miles away! Grrr. We certainly cannot afford to keep flying down there to look at houses. So now, I am searching online for houses and let me tell you... trying to do a home search online is a great way to start, but actually getting an idea of the condition of a property from those tiny, grainy pictures is next to impossible!
Anyone have a small private jet they are willing to let us borrow for a quick weekend jaunt?

He's Home!

2008-04-12T07:30:00.000-07:00

HUBBY'S HOME!! YAYYY.. **booty shake**
Ok...
Gonna go play. Have a happy day!

It was one of those days

2008-04-11T16:39:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days that make you want to pull your hair out by the roots, then bash your bald head repeatedly into the nearest solid object. Preferably a wall.
Firstly, regardless of the rather large stack of work waiting for my attention today, I had to leave after only half a day because with all the events we have going on for SAAM, (Sexual Assault Awareness Month) I have racked up enough comp. hours this week alone to take off a day and a half sometime real soon. Hmmm... Monday and Tuesday perhaps? Nahh, I'll save them for AFTER this month is over and I am reeling from exhaustion.
Anyway...
The deal on the house we were hoping to purchase in TX fell through today. Sad face. Our agent emailed me some documents that needed to be signed and sent back TODAY. No problem, right?
Yeah.
So. I get home, open my email and download the documents. Then hit "print". Nothing happened. "This document failed to print". No shit sherlock! For whatever reason, my printer is no longer recognizing my PC. yay. So, I go to hubby's PC and do the entire process over again. It prints out just ducky. Good to go. Get the papers signed, put them in my scanner to upload them for emailing. Nothing happened. I didn't even get an error message. Nothing.
Grrrr.
Well, the documents have to be back in the agent's hands before the close of business today. So, I hopped in my car and ran down to the library to get them faxed. "Sure, V, we can fax those for you at $1 per page!" says the perky library gal. A DOLLAR per page! Egads! Ok, fine, I need them sent.
Perky library gal loads them into the fax, punches in the number, page one sends, page two gets halfway into the fax... then stops. And nothing happens.
Unable to figure out the problem, perky library gal refers me to the bank across the street. I dodge farmer john's truck and run across to the bank. "Sure, we can fax those for you... no problem" so I hand over the documents, she runs them through the fax no problem.
However, by this time, I trust nothing and no one so, I call the agent. "hmm.. let me check. Nope, nothing in the fax. Did you send them to 214-***-****?" Yep. "Hmm.. Strange"
So.
I run back to the library where perky library gal informs me that the fax is once again working just fine. I hand over the papers yet AGAIN. She loads them into the fax, punches the number in and ... yep, you guessed it. Nothing!
By this time, I am a raving loon.
"Do you perchance have a scanner?" asked I, in my calmest, I'm about to go postal voice.
"Yes, but I don't know how to use it" replies perky library gal.
"I do, I do! Please, please, please let me use your scanner" I think there might even have been a tear tossed in with the begging. I know... pathetic. But, what can ya do?
So, she takes me back to the office, I get the papers scanned, attached them to an email and away they went. Finally.
It's a conspiracy, I am sure of it. Machines hate me.
Come to think of it... I'm not to fond of them at the moment.
Anybody remember that Stephen King movie where all the machines went nuts? "Maximum Overdrive" I think it was called. Seriously grade B movie with Emilio Estevez in it? I swear I heard that fax machine snicker.

So... My Day Began With...

2008-04-08T15:58:00.000-07:00

All my life, I have had this irrational fear of spiders. Big ones, tiny ones, I don't care... I see a spider, my eyes bug out, my heart jumps into my throat, my body freezes and I hyperventilate. I then scream bloody murder for a husband, a son, a dog, I don't care, someone come save me from this vile evilness! Every time. Could it have anything to do with my evil older brothers ripping the legs off spiders and throwing the bodies on me when I was a young girl? Ya Think?! Brothers are EVIL.
Anyway.
This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I walked out of my home office and there it was, bold as you please on the arm of the sofa. The BIGGEST Wolf Spider I have EVER seen in my life. "Come on baby, I DARE you to try to walk past me" I swear, I heard it give an evil chuckle.
Now, as I mentioned in an earlier post, my husband is out of town on business. My sons had left for school, and the damn dogs were outside, happily frolicking in the grass, leaving me all alone with this monster of immense proportions. I froze.
"ok.... ok..... ok....ok.... ummm.... ok. oh god." I stood and chanted. I could not move, except my eyes, which were frantically searching the room for something, anything with which to rid the world of the beast set to devour small children and unsuspecting arachnophobes.
The only thing within arms reach was the vacuum. The only truly nice appliance I own. We have a Dyson... and after two or three years, it has never once clogged. Ever. I love my Dyson. Anyway. It was the only thing within reach, as I mentioned.
Slowly, sooo slowly so as to not disturb the beast and cause it to hide out until I fell asleep tonight, when it would have the perfect opportunity to climb into bed with me and devour my face while I slept, I reached over and grabbed the long wand attachment. (anyone who owns a dyson, knows that you don't just attach the wand, there is a bit of a process to it, which on a normal day, is no big deal)
I finally got the wand attached, then froze again as the spider moved a bit.
After making sure it was done for the moment, I slowly reached over and switched on the vacuum, and slooowwly approached the sofa, wand extended as far as my arms will reach to ensure that NO spider yuckiness gets anywhere near me; I chanted "don't you move, don't you move" over and over under my breath, then literally jumped forward three feet and sucked it up in the vacuum!
I then flung my beloved dyson from me, shuddered and shook for about five minutes then called my husband (who is in Tampa, two hours flight away) and snarked at him for making me kill my own spider.
So, now I have a huge spider INSIDE my vacuum, and you can bet your ass it won't be ME that empties it out!

My Son, The Total Doofus

2008-04-07T19:40:00.000-07:00

So tonight I had grand plans after work. I was going to make dinner for the kiddos, (hubby is out of town for business this week), then I was going to continue with the oh so fun project of removing layers of old wallpaper from the walls of one of the bedrooms.
As I mentioned previously, we are moving to Texas this summer, and since our current house is 108 years old, YES, REALLY!, there is much that needs to be done to prep it for sale. Anyway... I was going to peel wallpaper.
Instead, my 16 year old future brain surgeon comes into the kitchen as I am cooking dinner with a SOCK wrapped around the middle finger of his left hand. "Ummm, Son?" says I.
"Yes, mom?" says the future brain surgeon.
"Why is there a sock around your finger?" (secretly pretty sure of the answer, but, optimist that I am, hoping for the best, silly me!)
"Welllll... I was bored, cuz my computer is not working." sez he.
"And?" queries I, with one eyebrow quickly making its way up into my hairline. "Well, I was cutting something with my hunting knife and it kinda slipped".
So, instead of an exciting evening of peeling wallpaper, I got to make yet ANOTHER trip to the ER for the cleansing and suturing of a wound on my sons person.
I can't tell you how many times I have said to this boy as he leaves the house "Have a good time, but don't break yourself! I am busy today, and am NOT taking anyone to the hospital!" This kid has made more trips to the ER in his 16 years than I have in 40! Unreal.
You just wait until I get my hands on my brother that provided my accident prone teenager with a Buck Knife.
Oh, by the way... I requested that they give my son a Tetanus shot. It had been a few years since he last had one, and I figure, anyone dumbass enough to play with a flippin' Buck Knife deserves at the least a tetanus shot.

My Head Spun Around On My Shoulders Today, Then Exploded

2008-04-04T18:25:00.000-07:00

I was sent this link http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/2008/04/02/brits/index.html today.
I swear, my head spun round on my shoulders, I swallowed my tongue, and I believe my head exploded for good measure!
This "person", and I use the term extremely loosely, The British National Party's London leader, Nick Eriksen compares rape to a woman being force fed chocolate cake! and says "To suggest that rape, when conducted without violence, is a serious crime is like suggesting that force feeding a woman chocolate cake is a heinous offence." and "Women enjoy sex, so rape cannot be such a terrible physical ordeal."
OH. MY. BLEEDING. LORD.
I am literally quivering with rage.
Let me know what you think.

Well, I've Done It

2008-04-03T19:22:00.001-07:00

So. Today was both happy and sad. At one point, I was actually laughing and crying at the same time. We found out today that the people accepted the offer we made on a house in the Lonestar State and we close in May.
I also, in preparation for the move and to give them time to find a replacement, turned in my resignation at the most amazing job I have ever worked. June 20th will be my final day. Hence, the both happy and sad.
How many people out there can honestly say that they look forward to going to work in the morning? I do. I love my job. I love knowing that every day that I go to work, I touch someone's life in a positive way. I help people. That's what I do. It's who I am.
For example; I was the opening speaker at a "Take Back The Night" event last week. I found out that I was the opening speaker about ten minutes before I stood before the mic and had zero time to prepare anything. I guess that's why it came straight from my heart. Several days later, I happened to be speaking with one of my volunteers who is a senior at the university where the event took place. She told me that at least three others found the courage to stand up and speak about the atrocities they had been subjected to, because of my speech. How powerful is that?
It began thusly;
"Hello everyone, it is wonderful to see so many of you here tonite, willing to stand up to resolve violence against women. My name is_________ and I am the Volunteer Recruiter for ________ Crisis Center. But, before I began work for ________, I was a victim. At the age of four, I was taught the proper way to perform oral sex by my teenage male babysitter. I thought it was a game. He was nice, and I really liked him. He took me places, brought me little presents. I did not know there was anything wrong with what he was doing, and so, I never told anyone. I was ten the first time my father molested me...".
I has taken me 20 years to be able to speak comfortably, without shame, about the horrors I suffered at the hands of my father. Now, I use my life experiences to help other rape and incest survivors.
The bastard DID NOT WIN! I am stronger than he.
So... now all I have to do is locate a rape crisis center in or near our new town that is looking for an awesome Volunteer Recruiter...
Piece of cake.

Sometimes People Irritate Me

2008-03-26T19:06:00.000-07:00

I work for a non-profit crisis center. We deal with Suicide, Sexual Assault, Prevention Education, and Information and referral services for people in need. My main job is to recruit and train volunteer sexual assault advocates to respond to the hospitals or law enforcement agencies when a sexual assault victim reports. I also teach classes in the community on the prevention of child sexual abuse.
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, which, as you can well imagine, is a VERY busy time for us. We do lots of events throughout the community the entire month. This year, as many of our volunteer advocates are students at the university across the street, when I was asking for suggestions of possible ways to get the message out across the campus, one of our advocates came to me with a wonderful performance art piece that she wants to put on.
This was a great idea, and would really help those who have never been victimized to perhaps understand just a minute amount of the pain and shame associated with being a victim.
But, I was forced to face reality. College campuses are not exactly wanting to let the word out that sexual assault occurs on their campus. Shhhhhh! Don't talk about it!
Anyway, I had to play politics... which I HATE... I am so not into playing nice with territorial, self indulgent people. But, I went to a meeting with the head of the counselling center today. A more territorial woman, I don't believe I have ever met.
What was worse, in my mind, is the fact that we are both trying to do the same thing! We both have a vested interest in helping survivors to deal with the assault and to reach a place of healing and strength. But, you would not believe the tap dance I had to do today to get the woman to allow a student living on that campus to set up a performance piece on campus. It really made me ill. She had no objection to the performance art... her objection was the fact that the student was performing it to raise awareness of our agency and the services we provide to anyone in need.
As I said... sometimes people irritate me.

She Did Everything She Could To Stay Alive?

2008-03-25T04:48:00.000-07:00

So... once again, after the tragic death of this poor woman at the hands of a madman who perhaps should have been drowned at birth; politicians and media jackals are spouting out their "sadness" at the loss of a young, vibrant woman. I must say... I SO AGREE WITH LAWDOG ON THIS! check out his post dear readers, (should I actually have any) if that woman had been allowed and/or encouraged *gasp* to learn about firearms and to carry protection with her, the story may have ended quite differently.
Although, in this country, which I love with all my heart, don't get me wrong, she would most likely have been arrested, charged, and thrown in jail, then successfully sued by the perp's remaining gene pool.
As the title of my blog will attest, I am soon to become a resident of the Lonestar State. Very soon upon attaining my residency of that wonderful bit of earth, I fully intend to take training in the safe handling of firearms, and purchase my own brand of self-protection!
I admit, I have always had a major fear on for guns, ever since watching my drunken father attempt to blow my mother's head off one fine summer day. But, I was WRONG to fear the tool instead of the operator!
If any of you just happen to reside in the Dallas/Plano area of Texas, perhaps you could steer me in the proper direction toward attaining my goal? I am looking for a good, reputable place to learn about handgun safety and firing, and to make an educated choice in the selection of my own weapon.
Thanks for reading!