Wrestling Season Begins...

Well, its that time again boys and girls.
That time of year when several nights each week and every weekend are booked up for the next several months. When free time and sleeping in on a chilly Saturday morning are naught but a faint, wishful memory. When loading into the car at 4:30 in the morning to drive several hours to spend 8-10 hours sitting on hard bleachers waiting for that six minutes of excitement and hopefully, glory. Hour after hour spent in a hot, humid gymnasium filled to capacity with sweaty, smelly young men giving their all; coaches yelling in the corners, parents screaming from the stands, whistles blaring, buzzers buzzing and bleacher butt reigns supreme.

Yes. You know what I am talking about, don't you?

You've got it: High School Wrestling season.
My son is a wrestler.
I personally have been involved with High School wrestling for nearly 26 years, as my younger brothers were wrestlers in school, and now coach wrestling.
My sons both were wrestlers, and both began when they were about four years old.
I have spent a very large part of my life in wrestling rooms.
I love it. Every year I am excited for the start of the season. Every year I am sick to death of it by the end of the season.
I tend to adopt the guys on the team whose parents can't be bothered to attend meets. W.H. and I score matches, run the time clock, work the head table, run concessions, roll mats, clean up blood, stock the coaches hospitality room and feed the team.
In other words, we are involved.
I can't understand parents who don't get involved... why have kids if you are not going to be involved?
Anyway... for right now, I am excited for the start of the season. I can't wait for the whistle to blow on D's first match of the season. I think he is going to do really well this year.
I just pray for the safety of all our wrestlers... especially mine.

About Me

Copied this meme from m's blog at Rumblings and Bumblings.
The Bold are true….

Appearance:
- I am 5′4 or shorter.
- I think I’m ugly.
- I have many scars.
- I tan easily.
- I wish my hair was a different color.
- I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
- I have a tattoo.
- I am self-conscious about my appearance.
- I have/I’ve had braces. honestly, I wish I had gotten them as a child, I REALLY need them!
- I wear glasses.
- I’d get/have gotten plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free, scar-free.
- I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
- I have had more than 2 piercings.
- I have had piercings in places besides my ears.
- I have freckles.

Family/Home Life:
- I’ve sworn at my parents.
- I’ve run away from home.
- I’ve been kicked out of the house.
- My biological parents are together.
- I have a sibling less than one year old.
- I want to have kids someday.
- I have children.
- I’ve lost a child.

Embarrassment:
- I’ve slipped out a “LOL” in a spoken conversation.
- Disney movies still make me cry.
- I’ve snorted while laughing.
- I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
- I’ve glued my hand to something.
- I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
- I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

Health:
- I was born with a disease/impairment.
- I’ve had stitches.
- I’ve broken a bone.
- I’ve had my tonsils removed.
- I’ve sat in a doctor’s office with a friend.
- I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
- I’ve had serious surgery.
- I’ve had chicken pox.

Traveling:
- I’ve driven over 200 miles in one day.
- I’ve been on a plane.
- I’ve been to Canada.
- I’ve been to Niagara Falls.
- I’ve been to Japan.
- I’ve been to Europe.
- I’ve been to Africa.

Experiences:
- I’ve been lost in my city.
- I’ve seen a shooting star.
- I’ve wished on a shooting star.
- I’ve seen a meteor shower.
- I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
- I’ve pushed all the buttons in a lift. I'm guessing that means elevator
- I’ve been to a casino.
- I’ve been skydiving.
- I’ve gone skinny dipping.
- I’ve played spin the bottle.
- I’ve crashed a car.
- I’ve been skiing.
- I’ve been in a play.
- I’ve met someone in person from the Internet.
- I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
- I’ve seen the Northern Lights.
- I’ve sat on a roof top at night.
- I’ve played chicken.
- I’ve seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
- I’ve eaten Sushi.
- I’ve been snowboarding.

Relationships:
- I’m single.
- I’m in a relationship.
- I’m available.
- I’m engaged
- I’m married.
- I’ve gone on a blind date.
- I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
- I have a fear of abandonment.
- I’ve been divorced.
- I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
- I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
- I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
- I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality:
- I’ve had a crush on someone of the same gender.
- I’ve kissed a member of the same gender.
- I’ve had sex with someone of the opposite gender.
- I’ve had sex with someone of the same gender.
- I’ve had sex with more than one person at the same time.
- I am a cuddler.
- I’ve been kissed in the rain.
- I’ve had sex outdoors.
- I’ve hugged a stranger.
- I have kissed a stranger.
- I have had sex with a stranger.

Honesty/Crime:
- I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
- I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
- I have lied to my parents about where I am.
- I am keeping a secret from the world.
- I’ve cheated while playing a game.
- I’ve cheated on a test.
- I’ve driven through a red light
- I’ve witnessed a crime.
- I’ve been in a fist fight.
- I’ve been arrested.
- I’ve shoplifted.

Drugs/Alcohol:
- I’ve consumed alcohol.
- I smoke cigarettes. - Quit smoking July 6th - Yay me!
- I smoke pot.
- I regularly drink.
- I’ve taken painkillers when I didn’t need them.
- I’ve taken cough medicine when i wasn’t sick.
- I’ve done hard drugs.
- I’ve been addicted to an illegal substance.
- I can’t swallow pills.
- I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.

Mental health:
- I have been diagnosed with depression.
- I shut others out when I’m depressed.
- I take anti-depressants.
- I have had an eating disorder.
- I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
- I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
- I’m addicted to self harm.
- I’ve woken up crying.

Death:
- I’m afraid of dying.
- I hate funerals.
- I’ve seen someone dying.
- I have attempted suicide. - well, thought about it at least!
- Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
- Someone close to me has committed suicide.

Random:
- I can sing well.
- I’ve stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
- I open up to others too easily.
- I watch the news.
- I don’t kill bugs.
- I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for sake of being able to rhyme.
- I swear regularly.
- I am a morning person.
- I paid for my mobile phone ring tone.
- I’m a snob about grammar.
- I am a sports fanatic.
- I play with my hair.
- I have/had “x”s in my screen name.
- I love being neat.
- I love Spam.
- I’ve copied more than 30 CD’s in a day.
- I bake well.
- I don’t know how to shoot a gun. -but I intend to learn!
- I am in love with love.
- I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
- I laugh at my own jokes.
- I eat fast food weekly.
- I believe in ghosts.
- I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
- I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
- I am really ticklish.
- I love white chocolate.
- I bite my nails.
- I play video games.
- I’m good at remembering faces.
- I’m good at remembering names.
- I’m good at remembering dates.
- I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
- My answers are totally honest…okay, so wtf is the point if they're not...

A Day in the Life... of an Incest Survivor

So, what does it mean to be an incest survivor? SURVIVAL.

I survived. I am a survivor. That's what I do...whatever life throws at me, I survive.

I did whatever I had to do each and every day to survive that day, to live to see the next day. No matter how degrading, abhorrent, or painful...I did what I had to to survive. I am proud of that. I was strong, and I survived. I am also ashamed of some of the things I did to survive. Ashamed, deeply ashamed of what was done to me, of the loss of myself as a person, of the loss of my voice.

But, now I am beyond those days. I am over it. Right?
Am I?
Will I ever be?

To this day, even married to a wonderful, loving, caring, understanding man, whom I love dearly and deeply, I have a very hard time with intimacy. Emotional intimacy, physical intimacy... It doesn't matter.
I prefer to be alone.
Alone is safe. Alone is peaceful.

I guess, after so many years of having to worry about and cater to my fathers "needs', that I just could really care less about spending the rest of my life worrying about anyone else s needs. For example; I could very happily live the rest of my life without sex. Truly. I might masturbate on rare occasions to relieve stress or pressure or whatever, but, sex with a partner.. uh uh. Don't need it. Really pretty much don't want it. And feel VERY pressured to "perform" as it were when my husband is in the mood. Does he pressure me? NO. Not knowingly. The pressure is entirely my childhood haunting me. In other words, its all in my head.

Knowing and understanding that does not make it easier. Knowing that does not make me enjoy sex.

So, what's the answer? And, as long as I live feeling this way, am I truly a survivor?

I wonder if I will ever truly get over my childhood. Will I ever be capable of giving to my husband as he deserves? I wonder if I will get past it once and for all.
Which really and truly pisses me off beyond words. It happened. For a long time. It was terrible. But... IT'S OVER!! So, why the hell can't I get over it already? Why can't I suck it up and deal? Why can't I just relax and enjoy touching and being touched?

Why must I always fight and fight and fight this internal battle with myself whenever I feel that my husband wants sex? Weeks of putting him off, making excuses, hiding the real feeling of utter panic. Finally giving in when I get to the point that I feel completely pressured and frustrated with the need to give him what he needs. I feel resentful. Angry. Ashamed. Frustrated. Irritated. Why can't I get past this?
He does not deserve this.
He deserves someone so much better and healthier than I am.
I wish I were better.

Baaaaaaad Blogger!

I have been a BAD blogger recently. I owe a great big apology to the five or six people who read my blog fairly regularly. So....

Can you forgive me???
My life has just been so damn BORING lately... I have logged in to write so many times over the past couple weeks, yet nothing comes to mind. I am suffering from the dreaded "Brain Blank" Syndrome. I look at the screen, and my brain goes blank. Very, very frustrating, I must say.

I spent today designing some new jewelry pieces... I am hoping to be able to sell my line through a couple small gift shops here near the metroplex. So, to that end, I am working to build my stock of custom, one of a kind designs up to a level that I can set an appointment with a retailer and get in there. Wish me luck!
Maybe I will post some pictures of some of my designs so that you can see what the heck I am talking about. Here ya go... a couple bracelet and earring sets:



I also design complete sets of necklace, bracelet, earrings and anklets... Just whatever pops into my brain when I sit down with my tools.
Above is a fun, funky earring design that I thought would be awesome for the 18-26 year old range, or older than that if the lady is not afraid to make a statement!
Below that is an amethyst glass and cloisonne bead bracelet and earrings set with goldtone accents, and an amber marchesite stone bracelet and earrings set with goldtone accents. Anyway, just wanted to let you see what I have been up to this weekend.
We really did not get hit too badly by Ike, thank God! But I pray for those folks down south of us that got slammed...Hope you are back on your feet very soon!

Sorry for lack of posts, my mother is visiting

Yes friends and neighbors, big momma is here!
My mother is visiting from upstate NY, and I have not had much computer time since last week. She will be visiting through Saturday, so I will likely be fairly scarce until then.
Be safe, happy and healthy till we meet again!