So... My Day Began With...

All my life, I have had this irrational fear of spiders. Big ones, tiny ones, I don't care... I see a spider, my eyes bug out, my heart jumps into my throat, my body freezes and I hyperventilate. I then scream bloody murder for a husband, a son, a dog, I don't care, someone come save me from this vile evilness! Every time. Could it have anything to do with my evil older brothers ripping the legs off spiders and throwing the bodies on me when I was a young girl? Ya Think?! Brothers are EVIL.
Anyway.
This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I walked out of my home office and there it was, bold as you please on the arm of the sofa. The BIGGEST Wolf Spider I have EVER seen in my life. "Come on baby, I DARE you to try to walk past me" I swear, I heard it give an evil chuckle.
Now, as I mentioned in an earlier post, my husband is out of town on business. My sons had left for school, and the damn dogs were outside, happily frolicking in the grass, leaving me all alone with this monster of immense proportions. I froze.
"ok.... ok..... ok....ok.... ummm.... ok. oh god." I stood and chanted. I could not move, except my eyes, which were frantically searching the room for something, anything with which to rid the world of the beast set to devour small children and unsuspecting arachnophobes.
The only thing within arms reach was the vacuum. The only truly nice appliance I own. We have a Dyson... and after two or three years, it has never once clogged. Ever. I love my Dyson. Anyway. It was the only thing within reach, as I mentioned.
Slowly, sooo slowly so as to not disturb the beast and cause it to hide out until I fell asleep tonight, when it would have the perfect opportunity to climb into bed with me and devour my face while I slept, I reached over and grabbed the long wand attachment. (anyone who owns a dyson, knows that you don't just attach the wand, there is a bit of a process to it, which on a normal day, is no big deal)
I finally got the wand attached, then froze again as the spider moved a bit.
After making sure it was done for the moment, I slowly reached over and switched on the vacuum, and slooowwly approached the sofa, wand extended as far as my arms will reach to ensure that NO spider yuckiness gets anywhere near me; I chanted "don't you move, don't you move" over and over under my breath, then literally jumped forward three feet and sucked it up in the vacuum!
I then flung my beloved dyson from me, shuddered and shook for about five minutes then called my husband (who is in Tampa, two hours flight away) and snarked at him for making me kill my own spider.
So, now I have a huge spider INSIDE my vacuum, and you can bet your ass it won't be ME that empties it out!